Roomofzen Archives Part 2: NFL Week 1 Wrap up, 2004.

I always say that I wished we had discovered blogging in college, because that is really the ideal environment from which to blog. When you take into account the number of hours we spent watching and arguing about sports, it easily surpasses your typical 40 hour work week. A creative outlet like this would have flourished under our hands, and it probably would have helped me channel my energy more positively. However, we never knew what we were missing. Instead, the roomofzen found its early beginnings in the Bowdoin Orient, the nation's oldest continually running college newspaper. Sometimes I like to thumb through the archives to see what I thought about various matters related to sports. I like to look back on old NFL previews anyways, to reflect on how much things changed. However, it's even better to do it with yourself because you can really remember things that bugged you (for instance, apparently I felt compelled to call Jerome Bettis a "touchdown thief" in the article below).


This piece was written after week 1 of the 2004 season. According to this article, this is where we started to see flashes of promise in the Cardinals. It is also funny to read about Michael Vick and have the content be strictly limited to football.

Real Men Score Empty Net Goals

So, just about all of us on the roomofzen staff attended Bowdoin College. Not surprisingly, I have received this link from Barstool Sports in my email inbox about 7 times today. Since we are all connected to this, I feel the need to comment.

I worked at the hockey games during all the years I was in college. During this time, I was always struck by the overall lack of understanding amongst the students about the general conventions of sports fandom. It's like none of them have ever attended a live sporting event in their lives. I did the color commentary for the live internet feeds (often sauced up, because the old rink was freezing) during my last two years and I remember getting in trouble several times for making negative comments about the home crowd. The usual culprit was the "safety school" chant while you were losing. This, to me, was the most embarrassing thing you could do. Your team is losing, so you start chanting about how smart you are? The proper protocol would be to shut the fuck up or to continue insulting the other team. Everyone should know this. There's no reason to bring books in to the mix.

Anyways, judging from this story, it sounds like things have gotten worse. I have been to a lot of hockey games. I had season tickets to the Whalers for about 6 years. Never in my life have I ever seen or heard fans make fun of an empty net goal. Empty net goals are badass. Not only do they pad your stats, but they put the final seal of approval on your victory over a desperate team. It's like slamming the door, putting the icing on the cake, or whatever else you might say. This stuff is not hard to understand, and yet I'm not surprised. They need to have some type of etiquette classes for the fans.

As for the part about "fairy", I've really never taken that word to mean homosexual. I've always thought of it the same way I think of "pussy". I imagine people saying "chug that beer you pussy", but using "fairy" instead if they are with girls who they don't want to scare off. But, that's just me. However, this seems unimportant. The real crime here is a blatant disregard by the student body for the ebb and flow of live sports.


Embrace the weekend......

The Roomofzen Archives Presents: Pt 1

Through the wonders of modern technology the Roomofzen has recently been able to unearth some of its earliest works. Much like the National Archives, the Roomofzen Archives contains substantial amounts of material: transcripts of conversations and speeches, voicemail recordings, letters, memoirs, and other various documents and media.

For the first time ever these Archives are being opened up and unleashed upon you, our loyal readers.

In our first installment of the Roomofzen Archives Presents, we take a trip back to the spring of 2005, a simpler happier time. A time when the words "financial crisis" meant that you had only $54 to your name, and you needed $2 more to buy that stale keg of PBR from your local proprietor of Beer, smut and plastic novelty items. (with $4 more you could get the keg and the "fake poo", but, I digress)

No matter where you found yourself at this period in time, chances are there was intramural softball in the air; its scent as sweet and pungent as the perfume of a promiscuous young woman wafting up from the basement stairs of a houseparty. These were the days my friends. The following is a transcript of a pregame speech given prior to a game featuring the now legendary Cleveland Steamers of Bowdoin College Intramural Softball fame. The tales of the Steamers' dominance have spanned the globe, proliferated by the men who took the field in her name, and by those who fell before her. The speech itself appears in its entirety exactly as it was written and delivered nearly 4 years ago... but the names have been changed to protect those involved.

Like the Free Masons, the Cleveland Steamers are a secretive group, meeting in obscure locations, sometimes wearing costumes to disguise themselves. Sometimes this costume is a Pirate, other times it is an overwieght guy who lives at home with his parents. This is the first time that any documentation of their existence has appeared in print so consider yourselves lucky. Consider yourselves steamed.

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Cleveland Steamers vs. France Sucks
Monday April 18, 2005 5:30 pm

*To be read with above average intensity:


My Fellow Steamers,

In the wake of our awesome victory this Thursday past, it is important to remember the words of the wise and benevolent prophet of Gunt, who upon his pilgrimage to the farthest shores of Choad, knelt before the Oracle of Plump Promiscuous Women and wept for those souls who found sinful satisfaction in their softball abilities and had become lackadaisical on the mound, in the field, at the plate, and more importantly, in their worship of the Gods of Softball.

From high up in the kingdom of Intramuralis the Gods took a break from riding sick motorcycles and fucking really hot chicks and drinking beer, and looked down upon these men with much scorn, and much rancor.

Have we forgotten the humiliation we felt walking off the field last year after tasting defeat at the hands of the inferior team that takes the field against us today? Look at Jones, really look at him good, and if Michaels is slinking around all fucking blazed take a look at him too. Smith is probably just as high and Peterman is quiet but beware, his demeanor is meant to lure you into a state of comfort allowing him to mock and defile each and every one of you.

Now take a look at Eisermann… tell me who Steams more Gunts than him? Take a look around at yourselves men, and ask yourself the same question. Who Steams more Gunts?

(Pause for effect)


We must take the field today, like an army of gerbils on mescaline. I don’t know what that means but our salvation and eternal softball glory lies within this quest. So the scripture has foretold, the Steamers shall rise again from the ashes and claim their rightful seat at the throne of A League softball. This quest continues today. I suggest we kick some ass and Steam the Gunt.

Steamers on 3, amen.