Randy Moss Picture

Someday I'd like to have a house with a room completely designated for the enjoying sports on television. When that happens, I'd like to frame this picture as the centerpiece:




There is no athlete we love at this site more than Randy Moss. Thank you to Shutdown Corner for this badass pic.

"The Injury"

Where were you when Tom Brady went down with a season ending knee injury? I’ll never forget where I was…Rowe’s Corner Market in Newton, New Hampshire, purchasing tortilla chips, queso dip, and a bag of white powdered Donettes. Everything was coming together perfectly: A rainy Saturday night had given way to a cool, dry, Autumn Sunday afternoon. It was the first Sunday of the NFL season. I was on my way to watching the game with one of my best friends. It really was too good to be true.


But something strange occurred to me when I heard the news: I DIDN’T CARE. And, a full 28 hours later I STILL DON’T. Crazy right? Let me try to take you through my thinking, as honestly, I am still making sense of my own reaction.

First off, some background that most of you already know. I am a huge Patriots fan. I don’t want to get into details about how many games I’ve been to, or how long its been since I’ve actually missed watching a game on TV because that’s pointless and someone will always have a claim to be “more of a fan”. Also, I am a huge Tom Brady fan. I didn’t side with the Bledsoe crowd when he took over the helm, and I have even found myself turning a blind eye to his increasingly metrosexual endeavours when I scorn my friends for the same behavior.

Hypocrisy is indeed a hallmark of a sports fanatic, and one I have learned to embrace. Surely this trait has helped me deal with Patriots PR nightmares such as Rodney Harrison’s purchasing of HGH and Kevin Faulk’s attendance at a Lil Wayne concert…I mean… arrest for Marijuana possession. But now I’m getting off track. The Bottom line is that I want nothing more than to see this team succeed. I want them to win every time they take the field. I was on the verge of actually vomiting from watching them lose the Super Bowl. I don’t think anyone can disagree with the following statement: you don’t almost puke if you don’t care.

So that being said, let’s try to get inside my head a little bit here, as scary as that might be. The following are a couple of theories as to why I just can’t give a shit about Tom Brady being out for the season.

1) Maybe I never really came to terms with the Super Bowl loss. I’m sure it is something that Patriots fans will struggle with for generations: One of the greatest feats in the history of professional sports wrested from our hands in the final seconds of the biggest game of the year. It was, and still is, the ultimate sporting heartbreak of my lifetime. And so, seeing as how I was left a fragile, hollow shell of a fan by the experience, I am too scared to love again, as it were. I would rather avoid the potential for greatness altogether, simply because with the potential for greatness comes the potential for great tragedy, and I just don’t think I can handle that again at this point in my life. Maybe someday if I have kids and other “real” responsibilities I will be able to see how silly this all is. But not now. You see, losing Brady takes all the pressure off. I can go a whole season without having to listen to the talking heads (myself included, I guess) build the Patriots up to a level that is in reality unattainable. Even more so, I don’t have to deal with my team being the favorite every week, or the team that “everyone loves to hate”, or the team that “runs up the score”, or “cheats”, etc…Now we will be decided underdogs, probably no longer favored to win our own division. I like being in the underdog position. It was from this position that the greatest of all Patriot moments was born.

Was the 2001 Super Bowl win over the Rams the pinnacle for Patriots fans? Since “19-0 The Perfect Season” exists only in fleeting memories of what could have been and in copyrighted documents in Robert Kraft’s file cabinets, probably. This isn’t to take away from the Championship wins in 2003 and 2004, but let’s be honest here.

2) Shortly after the injury occurred I admit I was optimistic about Brady being able to return at some point during the season. He did walk off the field after all, and in a situation like this one would assume that all precautions would be taken. Brady is the face of the Franchise, Stetson Cologne, and guys everywhere who don’t want their children to take their last names (Personally, I think it would be funny to pass a name like ‘Babcock’ on to another generation). I was intrigued to see what Cassell would bring to the table. When he led the Patriots down the field for their first score after three rushing attempts that collectively came within 1 cunt-hair of a safety, I immediately texted LaRocque “QUARTERBACK CONTROVERSY!” What an improbable storyline that would be…perhaps the greatest obscure-backup-taking-over-for-injured-starter-and-leading-a-franchise to glory only to have his own obscure backup takeover and lead the team to glory. (Imagine Elton John singing “The Circle of Life” while action shots of Drew Bledsoe morph into Tom Brady morph into Matt Cassel on the jumbo-tron at Gillette Stadium…the crowd goes absolutely wild, the sun sets across the Serengeti…). Of course, with Brady on IR for the year there is no “controversy” so to speak of. The Patriots have already begun auditioning possible quarterbacks to add to the roster including the likes of Tim “Timmy Rattails” Rattay, as a former colleague of mine (a 49ers fan) refers to him. To which I say unenthusiastically…sweet. But doesn’t everyone want to root for Matt Cassell? He has been a backup quarterback for approximately 19 years of his life already, and is there a bigger shadow a backup quarterback could dwell in right now than the one cast by Tom Brady? I want to see him do well. There has to be a reason that he hasn’t been cut yet, right? Has Bellichick ever been really wrong about cutting a player? No. So we should have some faith in him in this instance, shouldn’t we? I think so.

I’m not ready to let the “Bellichick is a genius” storyline go by the wayside…now we’ll really get to see if this is true. Just imagine Bellichick, adorned in his traditional hooded sweatshirt, and Scott Pioli sitting in a dimly lit office over looking Patriot Place...(Pioli) "What do you think about Cassell, Bill?" (Bellichick, staring into the distance) "The Force is strong with this one." No one ever imagined that Matt Cassell would be leading us into battle against the Jets in week 2, and that’s what makes it so interesting. This would just be another game the Patriots SHOULD win, even with the Favre sideshow. Now nobody knows, and I like it that way.

3) All Patriots fans would have to agree that over the past couple of years the initial “team first” mentality of the Patriots has grown in such a way that insiders and outsiders both attributed the success of the team to the success of Brady. It would be foolish for me to argue against this, but one of the things I love(d) about this team is that for the most part it was a collective effort. The Patriots have two of the best offensive players to ever play the game in Brady and Moss (more on Randy later), and at times last year these two players alone were enough to defeat entire teams. With the loss of Brady games are going to be won in new ways: on the ground, with defense, with special teams. Let me point out that the Patriots have always had success in these other areas, but last season was all about their offense.

I love the Patriots Defense, particularly their defensive line, so now we get to see what these guys can do when asked to carry the load. “The Injury”, as it will henceforth be known, opens the door for a whole slew of potential heroes. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Coaches talk about guys “stepping up” all the time, now the stage is set. I can’t wait to see who is going to come up with a big play next. For the last few years Brady has been the default, and I’ll be honest, the superstar quarterback storyline doesn’t do it for me. I think that’s why I’ve hated Peyton Manning and the Colts so much over the past several years. There, look, I’ve just had a breakthrough.


As far as the game goes, I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. This was supposed to be another Patriots beatdown. But instead it came down to the final seconds. I was genuinely excited when Huards pass to Bowe fell incomplete in the front corner of the endzone. Really, really, excited. Take the same situation and result but take away “The Injury” and Pats fans would be freaking out. “They almost lost to the Chiefs! Man, they’ll never go undefeated this year…” Think about that. With Brady, every win was taken for granted, at least to some degree. It is nice to expect your team to win every game, but you lose some of your appreciation for a real hard fought victory in doing so. So much of last year became about aesthetics: How many TDs can Brady throw? How many times can they cover the spread? How much can they beat the Dolphins by? People like to say that all that counts is the W, but we all know that’s not true. I got just as caught up as anyone in the sheer beauty of the 2007 Patriots offense. We all drank the Kool-Aid and bought into the hype but now we’ve got a chance for football redemption. We’ve got a chance to go out and win games no one expects us to, by out-hitting, outsmarting, and outworking our opponents. I think that this is real, raw, essence of the game of football, the way it was meant to be played, and why we love it so much. In my eyes a leaping touchdown catch is only just as beautiful as a defensive end two-gapping an offensive tackle and forcing a running back into an unblocked linebacker.

Larocque sent me this email today while he was definitely not at work:

“My thoughts are that I think [“The Injury”] sucks, which feels strange. I have spent so much time resenting and hating the Patriots and Tom Brady. You always hate the team that dominates like that. I've even developed a soft spot for Peyton Manning and the Colts because they seem like that team that is always so close but can never quite defeat the juggernaut (except for that one time, but then the Patriots bounced back and went undefeated). In a way, I would have thought that this was exactly what I wanted. The team that dominates everyone takes a hit, and suddenly things get more exciting. But, that resentment I have and the rooting against the power house is one of the essential emotions that make up my fandom. Now, I don't exactly know what to do with it. Also, as much as I'm sick of seeing the Patriots win, I think that Randy Moss deserves a ring. He's my favorite player, I think that we've seen him mature a lot in his career. And, it seems like he's developed into a leader on the Patriots. It's the role that I always imagined him playing. I thought he had a real shot to get that ring this season. Now I don't. I won't count the Patriots out completely, but if you win the Super Bowl with Matt Cassell that might be the greatest feat of all time.”

A couple of good points here: First, Randy Moss. What can we say. Roomofzen is all about Randy Moss. One of the greatest ever. And, yes, I agree that the loss of Brady hurts Moss’ chances for a ring this season, and yes, that actually does bother me. I want to see Randy on top of the world. For the life of me I just cant figure out what this guy would have to do to lose me as a fan… all I know is that it definitely isn’t having a female friend who winds up injured during freaky sex. That’s not going to cut it. In fact Moss is the only one who I feel bad for in this regard. All the other great Patriots veterans have rings. But on the flipside, now we get to see if Moss really can “make” a quarterback a star. How much can a great wide receiver affect the outcome of a game? The potency of an offense? I think it the answer is going to be “a lot”.

Secondly, If the Patriots do win the Super Bowl with Matt Cassell that will be the greatest feat of all time. If they win the division (still very possible) that would be a great feat. If they get a wildcard spot in the playoffs that would be a great feat. Now, think about this. If they achieved any of the aforementioned accomplishments the Patriots would only be perceived as having done what they should have anyway. This gets back to the whole ‘expectations’ aspect of my personal view on this situation. But I’d like to think that I am not the only Patriots fan out there that will appreciate every yard, every first down, every three and out forced, every goal line stand, and every win a little bit more this year. Let’s not forget that.

I think that is why I don’t care about “The Injury”. I have nothing to worry about now. The worst has already happened. I still have expectations for this team, but they don’t carry the same kind of pressure that they once did. Maybe I took it too seriously to begin with, that’s probably true. And maybe it is only because of the great success that the Patriots, Red Sox, and Celtics have had in the recent past that I am avoiding letting this get me down too much. All I know is that tonight is a double header on Monday Night Football, and Ohio State plays USC this weekend. It is football season and I have games to watch and a team to root for. That is good enough.

And by the way. When analysts start jumping on the Patriots bandwagon, and start beating the drum for those “loveable underdogs”, don’t forget to stare hard at your televisions and say “Go Fuck Yourself Dan Marino.”

NOW WE'RE FUCKING PISSED

The New England Patriots 2008 Season Preview

It has been exactly 201 days since time ran out on the New England Patriots' run at a perfect 18-0 season. I have done my best to block all memory from this game from my mind. Alas, with the preseason in full swing and on the verge of the 2008-2009 season the inevitable “how the season ended montage” will be played again and again, and undoubtedly, I will see the Eli to Plaxico touchdown one thousand times before week 5 is over. I wrote back in February that this was the first time that I had become physically ill while watching a sporting event, and to this day, Eli slipping from the defensive lines grasp to complete his miracle pass to David Tyree evokes the same dry-heave response that I get from watching 2 Girls 1 Cup. Fortunately I have only seen it a couple of times...the Tyree catch that is.

However, as football season looms on the Horizon I am coming to terms with the disappointment of SuperBowl XLII and beginning to realize the potential benefits this loss might have for the Patriots as they prepare for the upcoming season, and a return to the pinnacle of the NFL. First, let’s look at some of their offseason activity:


Marijuana:

In 2007 it was HGH, now more Patriots (Kevin Faulk and Willie Andrews) were involved in weed related offenses this year than the Cincinnati Bengals. Does this mean that they will get off to a great start and then disintegrate during the last 5 weeks of the season? I think not. In fact this is all part of Robert Kraft’s plan to build up the bad boy image of the patriots while at the same time increasing merchandise sales in Vermont. Also it is well known that Marijuana affects a person’s memory, and hence, the entire secondary and running back corps should have completely forgotten about the Superbowl by week 1. As a sidenote, I know the bust cost Andrews his job but it still works…also, Faulk was busted at a Lil Wayne concert. I have to admit this does trouble me a little bit…the Lil Wayne part that is.

The offensive line

Logan Mankins is HARDCORE.

The offensive line struggled so much in the Superbowl that they were sent to India for several months to participate in “overcrowding prevention” or “unwanted female baby killing” to the lay person. This should make them a far meaner unit as a whole, and according to offensive line coaches around the league, should really improve their ability to block Justin Tuck. Look for fewer sacks of Tom Brady and increased incidences where lineman unleash spontaneous tears of remorse followed by a falling to the knees with arms extended towards the heavens while screaming "SOCIETY!", this has been known to effectively stifle Dwight Freeney.

Randy Moss

Fair enough

Many people wonder if last season was a fluke for Randy Moss. Will defensive coordinators figure him out? Impossible! As if it wasn’t strange enough that he went and started a Racing team this off-season, he also signed a sponsorship deal with….wait for it…PONY! That’s right, the official shoe of Senior Babe Ruth coaches who take their jobs too seriously. I don’t even remember the last time I saw a pair of Pony sneakers not at a yardsale in a cardboard box titled “make an offer”.

Two Visions I have had for the upcoming season:

1) Tom Brady and Randy Moss really are that good together. Pretty self explanatory… I think you will see these two absolutely torch opponents again this year. Remember Moss’ 3 touchdown’s in the first half against Miami last year? I seriously think he will have 5 in one game at some point. And when he does, I will buy a pair of Pony shoes and father a child out of wedlock and then agree to have it take the mothers last name. Badass!

2) The defensive line Kills either Matt Gutierrez or Matt Kassel in practice. Why would this happen? Well, first off at some point this year the Patriots will lose a regular season game. (I can’t take another undefeated run, it is too much pressure to deal with week after week so I hope they drop their regular season game to San Diego, and then beat them in the playoffs, again) The following week the defensive line will be so angry that Vince Wilfork, Richard Seymour, Jarvis Green, and Ty Warren will each grab one of the backup quarterback’s limbs and rip him into pieces. Sure this would be horrible, but it would also send a message to the younger players on the squad that “hey, we are not messing around here.” Also, it’s Matt Gutierrez and Matt Kassel we are talking about here, so no one will really care. When asked to comment on the horrific incident Bill Belichick will say, “they just de-limbed him…it is what it is…we are just trying to concentrate on the Bills. Buffalo is a good football team.”

Some Final Thoughts

I think it’s quite obvious that I am excited for 2008. I think that the pain of the Superbowl loss will prove to be the ultimate inspirational tool for this team. Consider this the Remorseless Revenge Tour 2008. Look for spreads to be covered, and then covered again. Last year was a reality check for all of the Patriots fans out there…a brutal, merciless reality check. Face it, losing to a team led by Eli Manning in the biggest game of the year was the only way that we could ever really begin to understand how truly amazing our upset of the Rams was in 2001. Now I appreciate that win a little bit more. This season I will do less yelling and celebrating and opt for more composed and solemn head nodding, occasionally throwing in a subtle fist pump to emphasize a particularly easy looking 11 play 89 yard scoring drive.

Some Season Predictions:

1) Jerod Mayo is a standout on defense BUT does not win defensive rookie of the year… that goes to Bills CB Leodis McKelvin…hey he plays against Brett Favre and Chad Pennington TWICE each.
2) The Patriots win the AFC East…I know, I know, you think I’m crazy.
3) Brett Favre makes for a compelling story…and the Jets are relevant for a maximum of 8 weeks.
4) Speaking of the AFC East it finishes like this: New England, Buffalo, New York, Miami.
5) I don’t know why I picked Buffalo #2, but I did, so I’m sticking to it.
6) This is officially the season where LaDanian Tomlinson falls off…just wait for it.
7) The Arizona Cardinals actually make the post season.
8) Jerry Jones doesn't get plastic surgery...I know its a long shot but you've got to take risks every now and then.
9) Felix Jones proves to be the real cream of the crop for this years rookie running backs…I’ve been saying it all along…The New Priest Holmes!
10) They bring back Terry Tate Office Linebacker (I hope)






If this picture made a sound it would be the shriek of an 11 year old girl.

Oracle Speaks

After watching the Celtics sign Sam Cassell yesterday, I felt compelled to mention that the Oracle correctly anticipated this move back in October. We were at the Pats Skins game in the parking lot talking about the Cs when the Oracle mentioned how Sam Cassell would either be released or bought out by the Clippers and then the Cs would pick him up for the layoff run.

Loyal fan,
Alex

Alex,

Thank you for your e-mail. I remember the day well. The Celtics were in pre-season, the Giants were in London to play Miami, the Red Sox won the World Series, and I was in the parking lot at Gillette Stadium, preparing to see Randy Moss in person for the first time. I believe it was just the right combination of Bud Light, Monster Energy Drink, Doritos, and Johnsonville Brats that gave the oracle such clairvoyance. That being said, there were some other sources that also predicted this move during the pre-season, which means that they must have been eating and drinking the same stuff. Thank you for your e-mail. Your loyalty will not go unrewarded.....in the future. For now, it will.