Monday Morning Bullets Complete With My Bachelorette Prediction

1- T.O. and I are so in sync lately. I can't even handle it. When it comes to sports, there is nothing I like more than watching talented players, and I am giddy about being able to appreciate TO again now that he is over in the AFC. I have also been going out of my way to convince everyone I can that Michael Vick needs to be reinstated to the NFL immediately. TO is on the same page, of course. In a league where everyone seems to be terrified to speak out against the commissioner, guys like Owens are more valuable than ever:



I will direct you to a direct quote from Babcock (our CFO)which was given to me when I was preparing to write my own piece on Vick's case:

"If we can't throw a guy in jail, take everything he has, make him pay for his crimes, and then turn him loose with the freedom to get it all back, then we've really lost our way as a nation."

The man has paid for what he has done, and he did not receive the celebrity discount on his jail time. He spent nearly two years in prison. As far as we know, he has committed no crimes since. He should now be free to put his life back together. It is not our job as a society to punish him further. If our goal as a society is really to rehabilitate crimals when possible, then we should want them to get back on their feet. We should hope that they can all find work and build a life that keeps them clean, and that helps the future generations not make the same mistakes. This Vick case is a great scenario. I wish all released inmates had skills as marketable as Vick's...we'd certainly see significantly fewer repeat offenders.





2-I've hosted and attended many Big Lebowski parties over the past 8 or so years. Nothing that I've experienced rivals the Seattle Lebowski Fest, which Jim Caple recaps in this column. Caple describes the event as a cooler man's Star Trek convention: where fanatics gather in meticulously constructed costumes to mimic the mannerisms and recite the lines of their favorite characters.

Caple also introduces us to the real life dude, Jeff Dowd. I had no idea that such a man existed. The greatest quote comes when Dowd explains that he wasn't actually in to bowling, and instead was really into running:

"Well, you had to be in shape to drink all those White Russians and make love to all those women."

Here he is, the real dude, with Jeff Bridges:



alright.




3-I'm not going to waste too much time justifying this, I'm going to try to just jump in to it. I'm a married man. My wife has watched virtually every Celtics and New York Giants game since we've lived together (and many before that as well). Most of the time, she enjoys that. It's only fair that I have taken in my fair share of reality tv as well. So yes, I have watched every episode of this season's Bachelorette. And, I'll admit that most of the time I enjoy that.

Judge me if you want, but I know there is at least one other member of the roomofzen staff who is in the same boat. Also, let me just point out that this is really not much different than Rock of Love or Flavor of Love. In fact, in the last episode, we had to watch Jillian and Ed rub lotion all over each other as foreplay, and then we learned that the night came to an abrupt end because Ed was too tired and couldn't get it up. If that's not entertainment, then I don't know what is.

You may be wondering whether or not this is appropriate for the roomofzen, and I assure you that I would never post this unless I felt like I had a chance to be correct in my prediction for tonight's finale. Here it is:

So, we're now down to two men, Ed and Kiptyn. However, because of the unusual way this season has unfolded, we cannot assume that Jillian is limited to picking one of those two men tonight. Ed has already left and returned to the show. To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about this. If it is indeed, a competition, then once you're gone you should have lost your chance to win. However, we're all supposed to be worrying about Jillian "finding love", so clearly the integrity of this competition means nothing.

Anyways, because of the way things have gone, we have to assume that a previous contestant could appear. Now, there were only two eliminated contestants not present at last weeks "Men Tell All". One was Wes, who is off promoting his new country album, and who may have been too controversial (I actually think he came into the show with a much more realistic and attainable goal ((promoting his music career)) than any of the other men, but this isn't the time for that) to feature. The other was Reid, who was the last man eliminated. Chris told us that Reid was not in attendance because he had "a prior engagement." I thought it seemed strange: these guys get paid for being on the show, and they are obviously all doing it as an attempt at fame. So, why would Reid not be there? Plus, I imagine that the men knew about this WAY ahead of time, and were told that they all had to be there. So, I wonder exactly what must have kept Reid away.

At the end of the show, they showed a preview of tonight's finale. There was a definite screenshot of Reid in there. And then, I suddenly remembered Chris's words: "a prior engagement". A clever play on words? I think so. Reid seemed like he had the best chemistry with Jillian on the dates in Spain and Hawaii, and I was surprised to see him go. My prediction: he returns, finally tells her that he loves her and wants to get married. She will then choose him.

It's a little out there, but if it happens, remember that you read it on the roomofzen first.

A little note here: When Reid does this, he won't actually mean that he wants to get married. But, he will say it anyways. No guy wants to get married after spending 6 MONTHS dating a girl. Nevermind 6 weeks, with her dating 29 other dudes simultaneously, including banging a few of them in the fantasy suite. It's completely unrealistic, but you have to say that's what you want if you want to stay alive in this game. Kiptyn, Ed, Jake, and Michael S. all knew that. Reid clearly didn't understand what it took to be a champion. It's not surprising that he's from Philadelphia.

UPDATE: I was close, but not quite on the money. Reid did return in a minivan, looking quite disshevled. He did also propose to Jillian. Then, in typical Philadelphia fashion, he was sent home crying right before a winner could be crowned. The winner was Ed. Worth mentioning that Babcock picked him to win in week 2.

Foil in The Oven Returns: Playoff Predictions

"I don't need your fucking sympathy, man. I need my fucking johnson"

--The Dude

I woke up this morning being 26 years old for the first time. That, in itself, is a lot to deal with. By the time we hit ten o'clock, I was trying to somehow make sense of the announcement that not only was Kevin Garnett not playing in round 1 of the playoffs, but he was most likely out for the entire postseason. I had resigned myself to the fact that he just needed rest. I didn't see this coming. Then, around 3:00, the news comes that John Madden is retiring from broadcoasting. I, personally, would have appreciated a little notice before his last game. By 5 o'clock tonight, Danny Ainge had suffered a heart attack. The guy is in great shape. And, he's only 50. I'm now more than halfway there. Needless to say, this was a very complicated day. A lot of ins, a lot of outs, a lot of what have yous. Fortunately, we've been adhering to a pretty strict drug regiment here to keep our minds, you know, limber.


I can't speak fully to the KG injury right now. All I can really say is that I have never been anywhere near this deflated by an sports injury. If there are any Patriots fans out there (so pretty much 3/4 of our readers), please leave some comments about how this stacks up against the Brady injury.

The one thing I was finally able to arrive at that gave me the strength to push on with my day and pump out these predictions was this:

at least this didn't happen last year.

Really, can you imagine how devastating this would have been last year? It's not much, but for now it's all I've got.

So, let's not wait any longer. Here are the picks (the West picks are without comment because I certainly don't watch enough of the West to say anything meaningful).




ROUND 1

EAST

Cleveland vs. Detroit:

The Pistons gave up on this season the minute they sent Chauncey Billups to Denver. They were, of course, open to the possibility of catching lightning in a bottle with AI, but more than anything this move was about Joe Dumars conceding that his group was no longer good enough to make it out of the East. As things currently stand, with a record below .500 and AI literally paying no dividends on the court (I hope this ungraceful exit is not the last we see of him), the question now becomes not who will win this series, but what type of series it will be.

The Pistons have played the Cavs tough this season. Rasheed Wallace has gone on the record as saying that he expects his team to re-gain their swagger once the post-season begins. I do believe in Detroit’s veteran leadership. I believe in the power of their home crowd and in their ability on defense to make LeBron James have to beat them all on his own. However, I also believe I’ve seen him do that before. Since then, he’s gotten better and Detroit has gotten worse.

The pick: Cleveland in 6.





Boston vs. Chicago:

This Bulls team is not the matchup I wanted for round 1. They really improved themselves at the trade deadline, and they've had the look over the past month of a team that could shake up the post-season. All that being said, they have no shot here. If they were a legitimate threat, they would have beaten Toronto last night (the news about KG wasn't out yet, they had something real to play for) at home. The absence of Luol Deng means big production for Paul Pierce. Kendrick Perkins will swallow Joakim Noah. Derrick Rose had a great season, but Rajon Rondo has blossomed into one of the league's premiere point guards. The Celtics have the advantage in every matchup.

The pick: Boston in 6






Orlando vs. Philadelphia:

There is no way Philly takes this series. They have no answer for Dwight Howard and don't have anybody that can shoot, which should translate to a lot of easy buckets in transition off of missed shots for the Magic. The Sixers are also horrendous in the half court, and Orlando’s ball movement should lead to a lot of good looks both on the interior and from long range.

I wanted to actually analyze the matchup here, but all I really needed to do was point out that the Celtics beat Philly on Tuesday night without KG or Ray Allen, and that it took overtime for the Sixers to knock off Cleveland’s athletic training staff last night.

The Pick: Orlando in 5







Hawks vs. Heat:

These should be great games to watch, regardless of the score is when you flip to them. It’s hard not to get excited about a team as athletic as the Hawks facing off against Dwayne Wade. I really want to take Miami here. I think that D-Wade has been just as spectacular as LeBron this season. I’m also excited to see how Michael Beasley performs in his first playoff series. If he is able to elevate his level of play, he could give his team the edge. Miami has really impressed me over the second half of the season. However, while most of the national media has been ignoring the Hawks, they have been playing incredibly consistent basketball. It’s hard not to give Atlanta the edge when you weigh the matchups. The Wade/Johnson matchup will be great to see, and I will be interested to see how much Miami gets out of Jermaine O'Neal. This is hands down the toughest one to pick, so I’m going with my gut:

Even though it doesn’t make sense: Heat in 6.







ROUND 1
WEST (ABRIDGED):

Lakers over Jazz in 4:

Nuggets over Hornets in 7: Note: I don't want to miss one minute of this series.

Houston over Portland in 6:- I know people are saying "nobody wants to catch Portland right now", but I think Ron Artest provides Houston with the mentality they need to advance to round 2.

San Antonio over Dallas in 6:







ROUND 2: EAST

Cleveland over Miami:

Regardless of whether they see Atlanta or Miami, I wouldn't be surprised to see Cleveland coast in round 2. Detroit is a tougher matchup.

The pick: Cavs in 5.





Boston over Orlando:

I'm not sold on Orlando, and there is nothing they can do against Philadelphia that will convince me otherwise. I can't help but wonder if the people who wrote them in as championship contenders last month have been paying any attention at all to what has been happening this month. They were certainly impressive in March (12-2), but they have come crashing back down to Earth in April (4-5 this month, including losses to Toronto, New York, New jersey, and an 18 point loss to the Bucks).

On March 25th, the Magic defeated Boston by 2, and moved the Celtics down to third place in the East. This was the last game in which Kevin Garnett was able to play (and his role was very limited). Leon Powe, Tony Allen, and Brian Scalabrine were all out as well. How could Orlando not have held on to that 2 seed? It's inexplicable. They are not contenders.

Kendrick Perkins will be the key to Boston's success in this series, as he is the NBA's premier Dwight Howard stopper. Throw in the fact that there are serious questions about the health of Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis, Boston is tough at home, and that there isn't anybody on the Magic capable of defending Paul Pierce, and this all adds up to a victory for the Cs.

The pick: Celtics in 7







WEST ROUND 2 (Abridged)


Lakers over Rockets in 5:

Spurs over Nuggets in 6:








Eastern Conference Finals:

Cavaliers over Celtics: There are many out there who say that the Cavs win this series even if it involves a healthy KG. I'm not one of those people. I think the Cavs are flawed, and I've felt all season long like the Celtics were the superior team. The two games the Cavs took from Boston this year were, in my opinion, two of the most uncharacteristically bad performances the Celtics turned in all season. Easter Sunday's performance was the worst (Pierce 4-17, totally flat performance, shooting 35% as a team). The statistics in these performances indicate that the Celtics would have lost to most NBA teams on these days. When they play at a level more aligned with their season averages, they have beaten Cleveland twice, including once with Kevin Garnett out.


So, just to clarify, if the Celtics were coming into this series with Kevin Garnett healthy, they would win. They simply have too much front line depth (KG, Perk, Big Baby, Leon, Mikki Moore) for Cleveland to handle.

But, we're dealing with reality here, and the reality is that I can't pick the Celtics to win this series. On paper, the Cavs seem harmless. Mo Williams? really? That's the other big gun? Delonte West? Don't try that shit with me. I'm well aware of what he can and can't do. When you look at the roster, and then you see how much LeBron is able to raise the level at which all of these guys play, you can't help but cast your MVP vote for anybody else. And, believe me, I'd like to.

The pick: Cleveland in 6





Western Conference Finals (abridged):

Lakers over Spurs in 5.








NBA Finals:

Lakers over Cavs in 5.

This is the Lakers' year, and nothing LeBron James does can change that. The Cavs will be totally outmatched in this series. There is no way they can compete with a front line of Andrew Bynum, Pau Gasol, and Lamar Odom. Number 24 is pretty good too. Even though he hasn't averaged so few points per game since 2004, I've never been more in awe of him.

The Dude Abides: Part 2

How much time passed over the course of the movie?

- For a number of reasons it was difficult to track. However, depending upon how much time elapsed between Donnie’s death and the scattering of his ashes, I am going to say 2 weeks. And yes I spent some time on this. A lot went down in 2 weeks.

Alcohol/Drug Regimen

- 1 Miller Lite
- 7 White Russians
- 5 joints
- 2 unidentified beers

To be fair that's all we saw. I'd say it's safe to assume that he smoked and drank more. A lot more.

Unanswered Questions

- Did he buy the carton of half and half he drank from or an unopened carton in the opening scene?

- What is the police response time in LA? Following the confrontation with Smoky Walter had enough time to finish the match, leisurely stroll out, and avoid the police.

- How thorough was the league’s investigation into the gun incident? I assume there were numerous witnesses, as it occurred during league play. And yet the Dude and company made it to the next round. Similarly how thorough was the police investigation?

- Was The Dude violated when guy in the short jean shorts knocked him out and when Jackie Treehorn drugged him? Based upon Maude Lebowski accompanying the guy in jean shorts and Treehorn’s general aura, I’d say no to the former and yes to the latter.

- Did Walter ever buy new underwear? Did he go commando for more than half of the movie?

- What happened to Walter’s Uzi? Did he leave it in the street? Was it in the car when Larry Sellers stole it?

Most Ironic Moment

Tara Reid appeared in Logjammin. I’m still a little surprised that she was never in a real porn.

2 Most Forced Moments

- The Dude wrote a check for 69 cents. Haha I get it, 69.

- In response to Sam Elliot’s request that he cut down the profanity the Dude said, “what the fuck are you talking about?”

My top Ten Favorite Quotes/Exchanges

I'm going to run these in no particular order and point out that the scenes with Donny, Walter, and the Dude in the bowling alley are elite. Their interactions were superb.

“Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.” - Maude
“He fixes the cable?” – The Dude

“Jesus Christ!” – The Dude
“Tomorrow vee come back und cut off your chonson.” – First Nihilist
“Excuse me?” – The Dude
“I SAY VEE CUT OFF YOUR CHONSON!” – First Nihilist
“Just sink about zat, Lebowski.” – Second Nihilist

“He looks like a fuckin' loser.” - Woo
“Hey. At least I'm housebroken.” – The Dude

What the fuck are you talking about?! This Chinaman is not the issue! I'm
talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line you do not, uh--and also, Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred, uh. . . Asian-American. Please.” - Walter

“Say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.” – Walter
“Yeah.” – The Dude
“And let's also not forget--let's not forget, Dude--that keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city--that isn't legal either.” – Walter
“What're you, a fucking park ranger now?” – The Dude

“When he moved down to Venice he had to go door-to-door to tell everyone he's a pederast.” - Walter
“What's a pederast, Walter?” - Donny
“Shut the fuck up, Donny.” – Walter

“And you know Smokey has emotional problems!” – The Dude
“You mean--beyond pacifism?” – Walter

“It's all a goddamn fake. Like Lenin said, look for the person who will benefit. And you will, uh, you know, you'll, uh, you know what I'm trying
to say—“ – The Dude
“I am the Walrus.” - Donny
“That fucking bitch!” - Walter
“Yeah.” – The Dude
“I am the Walrus.” – Donny
“Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin! Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!” – Walter

“Well, okay, you're not privy to all the new shit, so uh, you know, but that's what you pay me for. Speaking of which, would it be possible for me to get my twenty grand in cash? I gotta check this with my accountant of course, but my concern is that, you know, it could bump me into a higher tax...“ – The Dude - The accountant thing killed me.

“Fucking Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis.” - Walter
“They were Nazis, Dude?” - Donny
Come on, Donny, they were threatening castration!” – Walter
“Uh-huh.” - Donny
“Are you gonna split hairs?” – Walter
“No—“ - Donny
“Am I wrong?” – Walter

The Dude Abides

It’s hard to deal with any number of life's unfortunate events/developments such as theft, pink slips, sickness, death, etc. Yet outside of the major ones they are often not as bad as we make them out to be. And if that is not solace enough step back and consider how many bad things happened to the Dude in the Big Lebowski. One disclaimer. This is really for people who have seen the movie, as I imagine most ROOMOFZEN readers have. And if you haven't, well it's been 10 years. You've had time.

1. He was jumped from behind in his apartment due to a case of mistaken identity, forced into the bathroom, and had his head dunked in the toilet four times while the intruder interrogated him.

2. Woo urinated on his rug.

3. Woo’s associate dropped the Dude’s bowling ball, breaking a few tiles in the bathroom. It's a testament to the list that this one is weak and probably does not deserve a mention.

4. The Dude stole a rug from Jeffrey Lebowski.

5. Bunny Lebowski propositioned the Dude for $1000 before Brandt ushered him out.

6. The Dude sat helplessly as Walter pulled a gun and threatened Smokey over a bowling dispute.

7. Due to a complaint filed by Smokey the league opened an investigation into said gun incident.

8. The Dude accepted a job as a courier in the Bunny Lebowski kidnapping fiasco.

9. He attended a bowling practice only to get threatened, along with his teammates, by a convicted sex offender – Jesus.

10. Was knocked out by a man wearing short blue jean shorts who was accompanied by a woman (Maude Lebowski) and another man. Awoke to find the stolen rug gone and his jaw sore.

11. Botched the ransom hand off due to Walter’s insistence on incorporating a ringer.

12. Walter rolled out of the Dude’s car, dropped his Uzi, and then watched it spin around in a circle. The Uzi shot out both taillights and possibly a tire as well before the car crashed into a tree.

13. Someone stole the Dude’s car.

14. Met with police officers in his home to discuss the stolen car and rug – separate incidents – only to learn via a voice mail that Maude Lebowski had taken the rug.

15. Went to Maude’s house where she was suspended from the ceiling, naked, painting, and listening to a woman chant and sing. While there he watched the start of Logjammin, and was offered $100,000 to retrieve the $1 million.

16. Driven home where he learned a blue Volkswagen followed him. However, before he confronted the tail, he was thrown into Jeffrey Lebowski’s limo where he was shown a toe. Jeffrey Lebowski and Brandt believed it was Bunny’s.

17. Was asked to leave a coffee shop due to Walter’s behavior.

18. While taking a bath three nihilists broke into his apartment, threw a marmot in the tub, threatened to cut off his Johnson, and broke his answering machine and another unidentified glass object.

19. The driver’s side door of his car would not open and the interior reeked of urine when it was found by the LAPD.

20. In perhaps my favorite scene in the movie the Dude drove his car while listening to Creedence, drinking a beer, and smoking a joint. He noticed a tail, dropped his joint, and crashed the car, finding Larry Seller’s (the car thief) homework in the process.

21. Attended his landlord’s bizarre interpretive dance performance.

22. Confronted Larry Sellers with Walter. It went poorly and ultimately Seller’s neighbor smashed every window in the Dude’s car with a crow bar.

23. The Dude tried to barricade his door with a chair and a piece of wood he shoddily hammered into the floor. Unfortunately the door opened out, which he forgot. As a result Woo and his associate walked right in and took him to see Jackie Treehorn.

24. Jackie Treehorn drugged The Dude’s White Russians.

25. Woke up from Treehorn’s roofie incicent running down a road. The police quickly took him into custody.

26. The sheriff of Malibu threw a mug at the Dude’s forehead, knocked him to the ground, kicked him, and then banned him from Malibu.

27. The Dude was thrown out of a cab for strongly voicing his negative feelings for the Eagles.

28. Found his home completely trashed and to add injury to insult, tripped over his ill-fated attempt at a barricade.

29. Had sex with Maude and learned afterwards that conception with a man who would not have anything to do with the baby was her goal. As a side note she was successful.

30. Confronted Jeffrey Lebowski about the fact that he never received $1 million to give the kidnappers in the first place. Watched as Walter attempted to prove that Jeffrey Lebowski could in fact walk. The attempt was unsuccessful.

31. Threatened by Jesus again.

32. Walked outside of the bowling alley with Walter and Donny only to find the nihilists had lit his car on fire (finally killing it) and were demanding money. He watched Walter beat the first with a bowling ball, bite off the second nihilist's ear, and beat the third with an unidentified object. Sadly Donny died of a heart attack in the process.

33. Retrieved Donny’s ashes from the funeral home. The wind foiled Walter’s attempt to sprinkle them in the ocean, blowing them all over the Dude.

To review he was robbed, knocked out, drugged, propositioned for sex, attacked by a sheriff, thrown out of a cab and a diner, covered in his friends ashes, shown a severed toe, tailed by a private investigator, and investigated by the league office. Furthermore, his car, which he crashed twice (once after a Uzi shot it up) was stolen and later burned, his friend died of a heart attack, an intruder urinated on his rug, a woman targeted him to aid her conception goal, and his house was trashed. Meanwhile, in The Dude's presence, Walter pulled a gun on a pacifist, rolled out of a car with an Uzi that fired on its own, beat the hell out of 3 nihilists, and threw a paraplegic to the floor. That's a hell of a lot of stuff. Personally I'd be thrown off a bit by a cab driver forcibly throwing me out of his car.

Drop by tomorrow when I’ll look at my favorite quotes/exchanges, ponder how much time elapsed in the movie, consider some unanswered questions, and tie up some other loose ends.