All Over the Place

It's been several years since I have had the feeling of being in college and being completely overwhelmed with work towards the end of the semester. This feeling seemed strange and new to me this week as I began my first real end-of-semester push of my graduate school career. Between completing my work, going to work in order to earn money, going to class, and keeping abreast of what was happening in the sports world, I haven't had the opportunity to post in over a week. This has been extremely difficult for me, because it has been a pretty crazy week in sports and I have been tempted many times. However, I am now finished for the week, and ready to get out all of the stuff I've been keeping bottled up.....here it goes.....


Before I start, I just want to make a special note that I made a mocha for William H. Macy yesterday, which I'm pretty pumped about. He's certainly the most famous person that I have ever made an espresso bar drink for. It's hard to judge whether or not he's the most famous person I've ever come into contact with. Charles Barkley had me thrown out of a bar in Chapel Hill, NC about 3 years ago. To me, Charles Barkley is way more famous and the fact that he's one of my favorite players of all time added to the strangeness of the whole situation. But, I'm sure there are many people who would be much more thrilled about meeting William H. Macy. Although, I also bet that none of them read this blog. Does anybody read this blog? Anyways, I made William H. Macy a mocha, and I'm still pumped about it.

I was totally shocked by how close the Eagles played the Patriots on Sunday night. I shouldn't be. As a Giants fan, I am totally aware that you can never count the Eagles out. Keeping the ship on course after losing Donovan McNabb to injury is something that they have been able to do consistently over the past 6 or 7 years. However, I really thought that the ship had already been lost at sea before the McNabb injury this season. Aside from that one game when they wore hideous throwbacks and trounced the Lions, this team has been bad all year. They were awful against the Giants, Cowboys, and at the end of the Bears game and they were unimpressive in wins over Washington and Minnesota. This, combined with all of the drama surrounding Andy Reid's family situation, led me to believe that the Eagles weren't going to show any of the resiliency that has characterized them over the past ten years. Add this to the fact that they were playing in Gillette Stadium on a cold November night, which is a virtual death sentence, and I expected this one to be a laugher. However, in retrospect, maybe I should have seen this performance coming. This Eagles team is made up of talented veterans who have been embarrassed this season. We're talking about Brian Dawkins, Lito Sheppard, Jon Runyan and Takeo Spikes. They were going into the belly of the beast on national television as the biggest underdogs in history. This was a prime example of hardened veterans with their backs against the wall, and they certainly responded. That being said, the Patriots still won the game. In many ways, a win like this is even more impressive than the 50 pointers when they are clicking on all cylinders.


Do you think Eli Manning wants to play the Eagles team on December 9th? I can't even discuss his performance against the Vikings in this post. I don't think there are words for the way I feel about it.


I want to make three more quick points about the NFL before moving on. First I'd like to commend Kyle Turley, who has always been appreciated here at roomofzen for being a huge badass and a very technically sound blocker, for announcing that he will donate an entire game check to the Gridiron Greats foundation. Hopefully more players will follow in his footsteps. I think that it is hard for people to sympathize with this cause, and I can understand that on some level. But, it's important to remember that the first professional football players did not make huge salaries like they make now.
However, their bodies suffered the same abuse. Many of these players now are physically unable to work and are in need of a great deal of medical care. I don't expect an average person to spend much time worrying about this topic. There is need all over the world, and there are certainly more worthwhile places that you could spend your money (again, as I've said, I'm a huge proponent of Children International). But, for the NFL (a multi-billion dollar organization) and its players (many of whom make millions of dollars a year plus endorsements) to flat-out refuse to help alleviate the burden of the retired players that helped make the league as popular as it is today is inexcusable. Imagine what a difference it would make if every NFL player gave up one game check for season. Imagine even what a difference it would make if every NFL player gave up half of one game check per season.

Second, I want to express how saddened I am by the death of Sean Taylor. It seems trivial to talk about someone who died so young in terms of sport, but this was really the only way that I knew him before his death. This is a guy who was one of the most impressive athletes ever to play college football. In fact, I would place him right up there with Randy Moss and Ed Reed for college dominance. He was all over the field all the time. He had already established himself as one of the NFLs top safeties so early in his career, and reports are that he maturing a great deal both on and off the field. Reading reports of the way he helped give back to his home community in Miami and of how he was embracing fatherhood helped to illustrate how much potential was wasted by this act.



I have to also point out that I think there has been a lot of irresponsible coverage of this death. People need to keep in mind that this is a man whose home was invaded while he was asleep. This was not someone who was out somewhere looking for trouble. I have heard reports that the home was broken into just days before and a knife was left on the bed. However, I have also heard that the investigation of the previous break in showed that this was a knife from Taylor's kitchen that investigators believed was used to break into locked doors and items. There has been a great deal of speculation by reporters that seemed to be baseless and rooted in nothing more than biases about Taylor based on the combination of the fact that he was an NFL player and the fact that he was black. Speculation of this nature before facts are released seems irresponsible to me. Antrel Rolle of Arizona, a long time friend and former teammate of Taylor, said that he believed the shooting was the result of the fact that Taylor was breaking away from his old circle in order to begin starting a family and living a more focused adult life. If this is the case, I find it hard to fault Taylor for his sentiments. Regardless of the details, regardless of the motives of the man who fired the gun, a 24 year old man with a great deal of potential is no longer with us and it is terribly sad.

Third, I am really bummed about about Ricky Williams being hurt. I would love to see this guy come back and be successful. I can never get sick of seeing him run the ball. This guy was such a great running back, and I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for him because I made him a late addition as my fantasy team entered the 2005 playoffs as the last seed. He and Shaun Alexander (fair enough) proved to be the perfect pairing as my team came out of nowhere to take the league championship. People forget how good he looked when he returned from his "retirement" in 2005. This guy is a phenomenally gifted player. I also have a hard time being upset by him (obviously, I'm not a Dolphins fan). This is a guy who really seems to be affected by his social anxiety. They say he has worked very hard to overcome it, and that he was in great shape at the time of his return. So, hopefully, Monday night won't be the last we see of Ricky Williams in an NFL uniform.


The Celtics have continued to look good over the past week.

They looked particularly good on defense against a high-scoring Golden State offense on the eve of Thanksgiving. One think that stood out to me in that game was how good Brandan Wright looks. I don't know why he's not getting more minutes. They say he's a work in progress, but to me he looked like he's ready to see major minutes right now. They then played a great all around game against the Lakers on the day after Thanksgiving. The offense ran smoothly against the team that at the time was second in the league in field goal percentage defense. The Charlotte game was a let down game, but as we all know a debacle was avoided. I don't know what to make of the game against Cleveland. It is a frustrating game to lose, but I can't see the Celtics losing to them again on Sunday. How often is Ray Allen going to miss two free throws at the end of regulation? LeBron is playing at a whole different level than the rest of the league right now. But, there just isn't enough around him for this team to beat the Celtics at their best. I will say, I think the time has come for us to see more minutes out of Glen Davis. I know that Doc doesn't like to throw these guys into the fire right away, but it's time. He waited too long last year to start giving Rondo significant minutes (which to me didn't make sense because I think Sebastian Telfair was 14 when last season started).


Here at Roomofzen, we all love Bill Simmons. I have been reading his articles for many years now, and I look forward to them every week. To me, his voice is the perfect one to relate to fans of my generation. He is the true voice of a fan. There is no pretending to be objective. His work is always filled with humor. And yet, I find much of it enlightening. In fact, I would put his NBA columns up against any NBA writer in the country. As much as I have always enjoyed his columns, they have now become secondary to the podcasts for me. I didn't even know what a podcast was before I started listening to them and now I'm hooked. If you are a Simmons fan, but haven't yet begun dabbling in the podcasts, now is the perfect time. I assure you, you have nothing to fear. In fact, two of the three most recent podcasts were the two best that I think I have ever heard. Last week, Simmons had Gus Johnson on to talk about the Knicks, the NBA as a whole, and his broadcasting career. This was one of the best interviews that I have heard in a long time. There were so many aspects that were intriguing. One of the best parts to me was when Gus talked about Stephon Marbury, and how his background still affects his personality today. I have found Marbury to be an intriguing character ever since the release of the Starbury shoes. To me, this was one of the greatest things an NBA player could do. I was totally floored when I heard about the shoes, that they only cost fifteen bucks, and the he was actually going to wear them in games. This makes it hard for me to understand everything that is happening with he and the Knicks right now. All the good things that I know about Marbury are documented (he has been one of the Sporting News "good guys in sports" three times for his community work that has been going on throughout his entire career) and all of the bad stuff seems to people speculating. It seems like such a mess that there is no way to really know what's going on. But, ever since the release of the Starbury shoe, I have wanted to believe that Marbury is not the guy that the media portrays him as. Gus Johnson helped me take steps in that direction in this podcast.




Then, yesterday, Simmons released a long podcast with Bill Walton, which is an absolute must listen for anybody that loves the Celtics or the NBA. He just goes on and on in a classic Walton uninhibited fashion about everyone he played with and all of his coaches and how much he loved playing and it is just a really great listen. There is also a very awkward moment at the end when Simmons references Breaks of the Game by David Halberstam and says that Walton was partly responsible for the Blazers falling apart. Hard to describe, but just a great interview overall.

Finally, I guess we need to talk about Johan. Look, I want to say first of all that every year it is getting more and more apparent that changes need to be made in baseball. There needs to be a way to make the league more equitable. We're talking about a guy right now who is going to be traded because his team doesn't have the money to re-sign him and there are a select few teams who do. Bear in mind, it's not that they can't re-sign him because they have made some bad decisions and they don't have enough cap room, it's that they don't generate enough revenue so he needs to go get more money from the teams that do generate more revenue. Why is baseball still the only sport like this and why is it so hard to change? And, since we're going down this road anyways, why was it so hard to get drug testing in a sport that had such an obvious problem? Look, I'm excited that the Red Sox might get Santana. I love the Red Sox. That's not going to change. But, if this keeps happening, eventually baseball is going to lose all excitement for many fan bases across the country. Look at the inequity between World Series teams. Yes, I'm pumped that they won, but at the same time, shouldn't these teams always win. I understand that there are a couple of surprise teams every year. But, for the most part, it is the same teams that are consistently successful over long periods of time.

Back to Johan. If the Red Sox get him, they will win the World Series. Imagine the rotation that starts with Santana, Beckett, and Matsuzaka. People are very against giving up Ellsbury. However, to me, it would make much more sense to give up Ellsbury and to retain either Buccholz or Lester. Ellsbury was great in September and in the post season. If we can hang on to him, he's going to be a great asset to us. However, it's way too early to be saying this guy is one of the league's next great center fielders. He's certainly expendable for a guy like Santana. WEEI was receiving reports out of Minnesota that a deal might be able to happen that included Coco Crisp rather than Ellsbury. This would be ideal, but these reports were most likely fabricated because Hank Steinbrenner has essentially come out publicly and said that he is desperate and will do anything to get Santana. To be honest, the best thing for the Red Sox may be the Yankees getting Johan in return for Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, Melky Cabrera, and Robinson Cano. It is unlikely that Cano will be included in the deal, but even just Hughes, Kennedy, and Cabrera would be great for the Red Sox. Hank Steinbrenner may not have a salary cap situation to screw up, but his ineptitude could show through if he manages to totally deplete the Yankees farm system that has improved so much over the past few years. To be honest, I think the Yankees are probably going to get him. Am I worried? Not in the least.

No Country For Old Men...Badass.

I saw this movie over the weekend and it kicked some serious ass. If you need more of a review just wait because I am still trying to sort out the intensity of this film. My buddy Jonny and I drove home in an eery silence. I told him I was considering applying for a concealed weapons permit so that I could keep a .357 in my glovebox and that didn't seem strange to him at all given what we had just witnessed, I give it 7 out of a possible 7.5 on my completely arbitrary movie rating system.

"This is as good as it gets!"

Thanksgiving weekend 2007 Pt. 1

Well, friends, as you may have noticed, we have all taken a little break from our postings here in the roomofzen. With Thanksgiving, a long weekend and the onset of cold weather many of us have retreated into the warm, comfortable realm of slothliness. I'm not sure if that's a word, but it should be. A lot has happened over the last week so I will do my best to recount the highlights and lowlights of one of my favorite weeks of the year...in no particular order as usual.

I guess it was a couple of years ago that I discovered the pure alcoholic splendor of the-night-before-thanksgiving. As a boy who spent a good deal of my youth seeking out and consuming alcohol whenever possible (I admit, it was much much cooler to get drunk off of three natty lights and a warm heineken when I was 15 than it is now) I really had no idea of the absolute debacle that this night is for adults. I can only vouch for myself and my hometown of Newburyport, MA, but its like a big middle school reunion where everyone is drunk and having the same conversation (hey how are you? what are you up to? I'm drunk. Me too. awkward silence...looking around the bar...Well see you later) over and over again until your cab comes. I'm not doing a good job at making it sound cool, but I really think it is. Call me crazy. Sometimes its fun to see the quiet kid from your freshman basketball team lean against the wall and knock a picture of the cast of Jaws onto the floor. Sometimes its fun to see the girl that was hot and a real bitch in 9th grade carrying around an extra 40lbs. I'm really not there for the spite, in fact I'm there for the Jack and Cokes.

Anyway it was good to see some familiar faces. One thing I love about thanksgiving is that people go home, they go to see their friends and family. You don't have to give presents, you don't have to pretend to like presents people give you, you don't need to wear a costume. All you really need to do is hang out, drink, eat, and watch football. Also, naps are key. Basically this is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It is also why I chose to take monday off, thus extending my holiday experience into this week. But I'll get to that later.

First, I came across this gem while exploring the wondorous smorgasborg that is YouTube: An interview of Randy Moss by none other than.....Stephon Marbury! Enjoy this:



If you watched the video read on, if not skip ahead to the section titled "Go Fuck Yourself"

First: Randy Moss, enormous baddass...and he wears SOCKS AND SANDALS! If this doesn't make him more of a baddass than I don't know what does. I envision a future wear athletes stop using guns and cars and women of ill repute to make themselves seem more badass and start doing crazy shit like wearing fanny packs and those old tube socks with the different colored stripes on them. Picture Kevin Garnet doing a post game interview and casually pulling a stick of chapstick from a black leather fanny pack. Panties would be flying everywhere.

Second: An obvious one...Randy Moss chooses Tom Brady as the quarterback he would most like to play for. If this isn't destiny than I don't know what is.

Third: Listening to Randy Moss' story about his sudden trade to Oakland only gives me more respect for the guy. What a shitty situation, not to mention that he was traded to the Oakland Raiders. This would be like waking up next to your wife one day and she says "Hey, I've got AIDS...and I got it from your Dad, I should have told you before we boned last night." How are you supposed to go to work that day? If the Patriots don't re-sign Moss Ill be surprised, and by surprised I mean Pissed off.


Coming soon...Pt. 2

Where to go From Here: Reasessing the Eagles

My last contribution to this site came following the Eagles disgraceful prime time loss to the Dallas Cowboys. Now here we are two weeks and two wins later. A few things have changed while many, unfortunately, remain the same.

A week ago I was not convinced by the Birds’ 33-25 victory over Washington. In fact I was downright disgusted by the fact that James Thrash caught two touchdowns and had 100 yards receiving. The defense showed some backbone with a big goal line stand, but their inability to defend the pass left a nasty taste in mouth.

The question of this past week on WIP was which upset is more likely: Miami over Philadelphia or Philadelphia over New England. Callers and hosts seemed far too uncertain about this one. To me it’s a no-brainer. A Philadelphia win over New England next week would be next to impossible. We all know the scenario, New England plays the worst game of the season, giving up multiple turnovers and committing a lot of penalties, while the Eagles come out and play a flawlessly, capitalizing on all mistakes. Well, anybody who has been watching the Eagles knows that a perfect game just isn’t in the cards. I don’t believe that the Eagles could be capable of playing good enough, nor the Patriots capable of playing bad enough, much less at the same time, in New England, for an upset to happen. Thankfully The Eagles did pull out the game this Sunday, and they have Brian Westbrook alone to thank for that.

What has changed in the last two weeks? First, the Eagles are up to 500 and in a potential playoff situation. Even I haven’t ruled the possibility out yet. If you chalk up a loss to Dallas and New England, then the Birds will need to beat the Seahawks, Giants, Bills, and Saints. Another change is that McNabb’s future has become uncertain again as he is questionable following injuries to his thumb and ankle on Sunday. Some fans will rejoice at a change in the quarterback position, but this is not the type of season where an AJ Feely or Kevin Kolb can come in and rally the team to a string of victories. In order for that to happen a team has to exhibit some signs of life. This team, with the exception of Westbrook, has been flat all season. When something is sick you can make it healthy again, but you can’t bring a dead thing back to life. That being said, I don’t think it matters who the quarterback is right now, the quarterback is not going to win games for the Eagles, Westbrook will have hoist the Eagles on his shoulders and win at least four ballgames for them if they want to have any shot at the post-season.

So what’s stayed the same? Just about everything else and that’s the problem. We are still looking at a defense with a poor secondary and no pass rush, an offense with only one legitimate weapon, and a coach whose lack of focus is rubbing off on the rest of the organization. Don’t be surprised if I don't provide another update for two weeks, I have a feeling I’m going to want to pretend that next week’s game didn’t happen.

Red Sox Reach Agreement With Lowell

Thinking of Mike Lowell today made me think of this clip. I realize that this fight ends in unspeakable tradgedy. But, I'll be damned if this isn't one of the most badass clips in the history of film.

You Win This Time Ron Jeremy.........

With about 85 seconds left in the game, Doc Rivers drew up a beautiful inbounds play. Paul Pierce drove, the Magic collapsed, and Pierce made a beautiful pass to a cutting Tony Allen. Last season, this would have ended with Tony Allen exploding to the hoop and throwing it down hard. Instead what we got was a feeble attempt at a layup. This would turn out to be a huge missed opportunity as the ball would go out of bounds, Kevin Garnett would be forced to give his sixth foul on the inbound, and the Celtics would go on to lose by 2.

Allen's layup was by no means the sole factor in the defeat. Certainly, we can point to the fact that the team did not make its first three pointer until the fourth quarter. We can point to the fact that this team had dug itself into such a huge hole that they trailed by 20 points at one point in the second half. We can point to Paul Pierce's decision to pull up for three instead of driving to the basket on the final possession. However, Allen's mishap illustrated how much his knee injury has affected his style of play. I can only hope that as the season unfolds, Tony will get more confident going up on that knee.

In the end, I still love what we've seen from this team so far. Not only did we see a great deal of character from them tonight, but we also saw how effective our bench can be if we need to lean on them. If this team goes deep into the playoffs, people everywhere will be talking, and rightfully so, about the acquisitions of Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett. However, anyone who has been watching knows that they will not be able to reach that point without guys like Eddie House, James Posey, and Scott Pollard (who was hilarious tonight after swatting the ball out of Dwight Howard's hand). The Celtics couldn't have played much worse tonight, and yet they still took one of the best teams in the East down to the wire. I'll take that. Between watching the Giants come away with a huge win, watching a great contest between two Eastern Conference powerhouses, and thinking about how last years Celtics team would have fared against this year's Magic team, I'm feeling pretty good. I hope that tonight's game will eat Tony Allen more than it's eating me.


As a postscript, I would just like to point out that there is no announcer in sports who causes more awkward silences during the broadcasts than Tommy Heinsohn (except maybe Cedric Maxwell). There was a great example tonight after Hedo Turkoglu knocked down a three and Tommy said "you know what I'd like to do............take away his green card!" Silence on the other end. How are you supposed to respond to that?

Bad Ass

I challenge you to find two more bad ass television performances. This is like being in middle school again. Both from SNL. It works best if you click the play button at the bottom of the box rather than the one in the middle of the screen. Hitting the one in the middle of the screen makes it open in a new window.:

Start your day the right way

Well, after Paul Pierce's dominant performance last night, and after watching this sick compilation, I'm feeling much better about the Giants. Also, my girlfriend bought me guitar hero III, so I have finally been able to fufill my dream of being the lead guitarist in a band called Boner Salad.

Enjoy this shit:




I'm not sure who Alex #3 is, but if there are youtube awards, I'm giving them a nomination.

How Can They Do This To People?

Who cares about the NFL? Seriously. This is what I have been trying to convince myself of ever since late Sunday evening. Who needs it? Basketball season is starting, this is the best Celtics team that I can remember (born in 1983 means that Larry Bird with a healthy back only exists on my NBA Superstars VHS ((which is becoming obselete)) and the Larry Legend DVD). Why should I even pay attention to the NFL? Adrian Peterson is injured. There's a shock. All we've heard lately is about what a great pick he was and why teams passed on him and how foolish they must feel now. Nobody passed on him because they weren't aware that he has the talent to be a hall-of-famer. People passed on him because he is a guarantee to get hurt every single year. It's setting yourself up to be crucified. You draft him, people love it, but just wait. When the injuries start to happen year after year after year fans are going to suddenly do a 360 and start saying "how could you draft that guy! You know he can't stay healthy!" But who cares. Really. Peyton Manning threw 6 interceptions against the Chargers on Monday. This is the one bright spot of what has otherwise been a dismal season in San Diego. As far as I'm concerned, the Bolts deserve everything that they've gotten up until this point. How could they fire Marty after last season? And for Norv Turner! I can't bother myself with this. And the Patriots, the goddamn Patriots. All I have to do is listen to this talk on and on and on and on. Tom Brady is amazing. We know. How dare Don Shula accuse us of doing something that were caught doing, admitted to, and were punished for. I especially know how I've had a favorite player for a while now who has been greatly underappreciated by many Patriots fans who said things to me like "how can you like that guy? He's what's wrong with pro sports. The Pats would NEVER get a guy like that." And now he's there, and he's nasty, and I have to watch him every week hauling in TD after TD and hearing about how much those same people who said that to me love him now.

How can the Giants keep doing this to their fans! I haven't been this deflated about a loss since the 2002 playoff collapse against San Francisco. And, let's just stop for a second to point out that I wasn't able to eat or drink after that game because I had to wake up at 4:30 the next morning to have BALL SURGERY. Let's keep in mind that the game ended on a desperation heave on which our eligible linemen was blatantly grabbed and thrown to the ground before he could catch the ball. This was a call that should have allowed us to kick a field goal. Let's keep in mind that we started the season 1-0 and on the verge of 2-0 as we led Dallas with 11 seconds left before Matt Bryant kicked off out of bounds, giving the cowboys field position to win. He kicked the goddamned ball out of bounds with 11 seconds left. That began a downward spiral of one of the worst Giant seasons on record in which we lost 8 games to finish. Let's keep in mind that only a few years earlier we had drafted a fat-assed running back named Ron Dayne who turned out to be one of the biggest draft busts in recent memory (this was a horrible pick. A fat big ten running back? Come on, seriouslY). However, Tiki Barber turned out to be a great suprise. He was among the NFC leaders in total yards for many years (and even had the most one year when Marshall Faulk was hurt). But, he always had a fumbling problem. As bad of one as I've seen. But, we hired a new red-faced coach who cured him of the problem, thus solidifying his legacy as one of the top backs of this era. Certainly, a great guy to have. A great guy to have, that is, unless it turns out that he can't get along with this new red-faced coach who helped to cure his problem. A great guy to have, that is, unless he criticizes his teammates and coaches publicly, retires early, and then goes on a smear campaign.

Let's not forget that we gave up so much to draft Eli Manning that the only way it could possibly be worth it is if he ends up being a younger version of Peyton Manning. So far, no good. I can remember last year at 6-2, the week leading up to the Bears kicking our ass. I was walking around, talking shit to people about how the Giants were a legitimate superbowl contender. I was feeling like everything was in place for a happy ending. Or, at least, a more respectable one than the first round drubbing at the hands of Carolina the year before. I felt that same way this week. I was confident. This team that has dissapointed us time and time again over the past decade was finally coming together and ready to produce. First Dallas, then we'll sweep Philly and Washington.......and New England at home in week 17, you never know. But no, clearly it was too much to ask. Instead we got a delay of game penalty and a bad interception that sealed our fate at the end and left a great first half performance seeming like nothing but a distant memory. If we just were outplayed and lost, that would be fine. But why must we be subjected to this team beating themselves over and over and over again (see fourth quarter collapse against Tennessee last season). These are the results I have become accustomed to from this Giants team over the past 5 or 6 years, and yet somehow I'm blindsided every time.

This week was just as bad as that San Francisco game (minus the next day surgery). Even the super bowl loss hurt much less than this. I can remember during the super bowl week thinking "what the hell. How are the Giants in the super bowl? Kerry Collins is the quarterback. They don't belong in this game." Perhaps I was just trying to protect myself. At least I can still appreciate the fact that I get to see greatness every time Jeff Feagles punts.

Friday Afternoon Would Have Been a Great Time to Quit Drinking

Well...I had planned a lot of structured postings following the Patriots game last week but I'm pretty sure that unless you have been shooting Heroin in a Vietnamese slum that you are also sick of the talk surrounding this game. Sure there were things that excited me, angered me, left me feeling numb to the world as a whole but over the past week I have listened to so much about the referees, the piped in crowd noise, and Don Shula, that I have really lost interest. I have several rough drafts of bulleted points...well structured paragraphs with strong openers, solid support and kick in the nuts concluding statements. Well, fuck that. It seems to me that the beauty of this medium, much like motor oil and milk, is in its fluid nature. So I will attempt to "flow", as the rappers say, and touch upon as many of the things that happened to me, interested me, and occured to me over the past week in an effort to bring you deeper into my mind and life. Its not that I think its important, but its just what I think.

First, I will say two things about the Pats game and then move on. One, the one handed catch by Randy Moss over the middle was probably one of the sickest plays I have ever seen. I made my mom cut the picture out of the Boston Globe for me and I taped it to my wall (my parents frown upon thumbtacks since they repainted my room: a futile attempt to erase all memory of my habitation in the room above them). I tap it with my fist as I leave for work every morning. So far work seems the same, but hey its 530am and it brings a little enjoyment to the start of my day.

Second, there may be no better example of the rancid hypocrisy of the media and total handjobbery of NFL color commentators and analysts as the current portrayal of the New England Patriots as "Evil". I can clearly remember watching the celebration following the Super Bowl victory over the Rams. At the time, Belicheck was a genius, the Organization was run by equally intelligent and crafty men, and they were everything that was "good" about America (A Nation still reeling in the aftermath of 9/11) The Patriots represented all the "little people" in the world; the nerdy guy who never got a date; the poor Guatemalan toddler with a hair-lip; the fat chick with the disproportiantely hotter younger sister. Now they have become that hotter sister, and Shannon Sharpe has become that older, fatter sister who has to give blowjobs to guys who don't respect her just so that she feels wanted, if only for a night. Steve Young too for that matter. I saw him claim Peyton Manning as the best player in the NFL...tonight...after he threw an NFL record tying 6 interceptions in yesterdays LOSS to the San Diego chargers who are approximately one loss away from stoning Norv Turner to death on the practice field. I admit I have become more of a Peyton Manning fan over the last year or so...and that just means I wouldn't mind if he was hit by a bus, as opposed to praying for it to happen each night before bed. (Note: I am not a religious man) But come on, how could you look at the season so far and say that anybody BUT Tom Brady was the best player in the league? Crazy talk.

Unfortunately the best thing about a bye-week for your favorite team also turns into the worst thing ever. That is to say that although there is no pressure filled moments on sunday while you watch your team scrap out a win but not cover the spread for the first time all season (-$110), you have to listen to jackass after jacakss analyze every possible analalyzeable thing from the game/season/future for hours a day on talk radio, and television programs. I admit, I listen to probably 6 hours of WEEI per day in the recent past simply because of the nature of the project I am working on and because my $8 radio from KMART doesnt pick up a lot of stations. So, I am kind of asking for it. But Jesus Christ, I just want them to play the Bills allready, I am sick of all the bullshit as I am sure they are too. And yet its only monday evening and as I lie here in bed my first and most pressing thoughts happens to be about the Celtics game from Friday night.

I have been looking forward to last Friday night for quite a while. I had my calendar marked, my plans confirmed. It was the night that Larocque and I would head to the Garden to see the reincarnation of Celtic greatness: Garnett, Pierce, Allen, Perkins (just kidding). I was pumped. I should have been suspicious. An easy friday turned into a scrambling afternoon. Again I won't bore you with the minutiae of hydrogeology, but lets just say that I really, really wanted to get the fuck out of work on friday. When I did I headed straight to Larocque's place, I found a parking spot directly in front of his aparment building and within a matter of moments we had exchanged salutations, CDs, and I had changed into jeans...all in the comfort of his living room under the sorrowful but heartbreakingly optimistic gaze of his young Columbian child-that-he-sponsors. (Is there a word for that? Whatever.) It should be noted that the columbian boy was not "in the room", but there was a picture. Surely he is a better role model than me, but I can probably drink more beers. Also it should be noted that I have great respect for LaRocque for doing such a philanthropic thing. Once, I moved some turtles out of the road but that is not the point.

We began our journey out into the city, hopping aboard the T. Now, I enjoy riding public transportation because of all the strange and interesting things that you see. You are not required to talk to strangers (unlike when bartering with a prostitute), and you can generally just sit back and relax, take in the wonderful variety of characters that roam the city and be happy that you are who you are and not the 370lb woman without a bra who is standing by the door resting one enormous sagging boob on the shoulder of a young hispanic boy wearing a bomber jacket. I really enjoy moments like that. LaRocque and I talked sports, people read newspapers, people came and went. Soon, we were there.

We ran into The Fours (where I would later be asked to leave for "stealing" Nachos off some girls plate, fascists) We started off with Beers, met up with a few people, turned to whiskey (in hindsight, not a good call) and scurried across the street to the Garden full of anticipation and Jalepeno Poppers. Up the escalators to the very very very back row against the wall just seconds into the first quarter. The place was rocking in a way I have never experienced in all my years as a Celtics fan. ( I never went to the real Garden) I couldn't buy beers because I have an out of state license and I am under 25, for now, as I have been putting off a trip to the DMV for the past two months. I will probably regret this at some point and have to pay an obscene fine. For now, it makes me feel like a rebel. I know its not much, but hey I do live at home these days.

The game was awesome, I am amazed that I get to root for Garnett. Surely there must be a good and gracious god to give me Randy Moss and Kevin Garnett in the same year. Although...I have still not awoken to find a sick Camaro parked in the place of my pickup truck when I trudge downstairs in the freezing cold of predawn. We had some interesting debates with the guys next to us at the game where, as I remember, LaRocque and I schooled them in several arguments. At one point I think I talked some shit to a bald guy a few rows ahead of us who was giving us funny looks for enjoying the game. Then, when the game was over and the Cs victorious we headed back to the streets from whence we came, and why and where I do not really know.

The details of the night post-game are hazy, even the aforementioned Nacho incident. I do know for a fact that in the morning after I had gathered myself as much as I could under the circumstances, that I made a phone call to a coworker explaining that my truck had been towed, that I had recovered it finally, was very distressed, and would be there shortly. I popped one of the CDs larocque had given me the night before...it was Baroness "The Red Album". Wow. It shook me to the core in a way that only sick metal early in the morning when you wish that you were a homeless guy under a parked car because then you could just sleep for a few more hours can. It was an aural enima (before I forget, if I ever start a metal band, I will call it AURAL ENIMA, and we will be awesome). I arrived at work, somewhat ready for my 12 hour shift monitoring some drilling at a train station in the city.

My twelve hours that saturday can only be described as "horrible". I forced down some McDonalds and tried to sleep sitting on top of a cooler next to a piece of heavy machinery, not awesome. I went to the bathroom, it was at least 136 degrees inside and there were homeless guys showering in the sink, not awesome. I took a nasty, day after drinking whiskey and eating Jalepeno Poppers shit in a stall with no latch mechanism (NONE of them had one), forcing me to lean forwardand stretch my arm as far as it could, just barely holding the door closed with the tip of my index finger. That is no way to take a shit my friends. By the time 8pm rolled around however, I felt the lead-heavy despair of the abuse I had issued to my poor body begin to lift ever so slightly. I made my way to my truck and put on Baroness, once more for good measure. It was saturday night and I was alive. I vowed to take it easy for a few days, and for the most part I have kept my word. I did, afterall, just this past week learn that I have high Cholesterol.

Just a one more thing before I retire to my bed...I got the new Ween CD yesterday and it isn't too bad. Not in my top three Ween Albums but I have to admit that I am smitten with their new track "With My Own Bare Hands" which includes the line..."She's gonna be my cock-professor studying my dick/ Shes getting her Masters Degree in fucking me", personally I put that up there with "I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die" in terms of all time great lines in music history. I am going to see these guys live Nov. 28 in Boston with Stratton. (If you're wondering, Stratton is the hairlipped guatemalan boy I mentioned at the beginning of this piece)

Remembering Delonte...

Babcock and I are off to the Celtics tonight. Should be a great one to watch. Celts have been dominant at home and Atlanta is very young and exciting. We'll have all the action covered for you sometime after the weekend after you have already either watched the game or missed it and found out everything you could possibly need to know about it.

I think it's important that although we all feel thankful for the players we have acquired this season, we need to always remember and appreciate the young and exciting talent that we have seen over the past few years. Delonte will always be remembered for his fire on the court and great quotes like these off of it:



and for commercials like this, in which he continues to talk about playing with a sock instead of a basketball:



or in this commercial, which was one of my favorites:



However, this commercial was my favorite (even though it doesn't include Delonte):

A Fierce Rivalry Renewed.....

I remember November 12th, 2006 like it was yesterday. Actually, I didn't remember the exact date (I had to look it up), but the images remain embedded in my brain much more clearly than anything that has happened today or really over the past few weeks. The Giants were 6-2 and had a huge Sunday night showdown with Chicago, who were the undisputed powerhouse of the NFC. A less than impressive 14-10 victory over the lowly Texans the week before left a great deal of questions swirling around this Giants team that had looked so powerful at times (thumping of the Falcons, OT comeback win against Philadelphia, and a Monday night win against Dallas) and so ordinary at other times (embarrasing loss to Seattle for which the score in no way indicates how poorly they played, a nailbiter with Houston, etc.). Going into the game, I knew deep down that this was going to be a litmus test for us. Were we really one of the top teams in the NFC? If we were, this was our chance to show it. I think deep down I knew that we weren't solid enough yet to handle a game like this, which might explain why I was so excited when Brandon Jacobs scored in the first quarter "Holy shit! We're gonna fucking do this!", I yelled. Clearly, I hadn't been counting on us scoring much. The Giants blew their load early that night and walked off the field beat up and humiliated (mostly from an embarrasing FG return for a TD by Devin Hester). This was when the bottom came out from this team, and the second half of the season became a 2-6 circus.

November 11th, 2007's late afternoon showdown with the Cowboys, has a feel similar to that game last year. However, there are many differences between where the Giants stood at this time last year and where they find themselves this season in the same week. The first difference is the opponent. The Bears have fallen a long way since this time last year. Instead, this year's NFC frontrunner is one of our own division rivals. This makes the game twice as important for the Giants, who have already fallen to Dallas in the season opener. I feel like fans from outside of the NFC East have a hard time comprehending the intensity of these rivalries. The renewal of this fierce rivalry combined with the post-season implications make this game the biggest we have seen so far this season in the NFL. Colts-Patriots may have been more exciting to some fans, but really that game only confirmed what we all knew already: the AFC championship game is going to be played at Gillette Stadium.

The next difference is the Giants injury situation. One critical factor that many people omit when discussing the Giants collapse last season is that fact that they were playing that entire time without either of their pro bowl defensive ends, without their all-time leading receiver, without their left tackle and center, without either of their starting cornerbacks, and a whole host of other starters at one point or another. This year's team has managed to avoid any major injuries thus far. Brandon Jacobs bounced back well from his early season injury to earn the NFC Offensive Player of the Month Award for October. Despite an ankle injury that has held him out of practice until this week, Plaxico Burress is having a career season and currently has two more recieving TDs than Cowboys star Terrell Owens. If this Giants team stays healthy, you can expect them to have a strong second half of this season.

The final difference is that this Giants team, despite having many of the same starters, appears to have a totally different identity than last year's team. Many in the media attribute part of this turn around to the fact that Old Redface Coughlin has loosened up a little bit on his "all business" approach that seemed to wear thin on many of the Giants players. Next, the departure of Tiki Barber seems to have allowed many of the young leaders on this team to take the next step in their development. Despite what people might have thought outside of the Giants circle, there was always a feeling that this was Tiki's offense. This made it difficult for players like Eli Manning, Plaxico Burress, and Jeremy Shockey to assert themselves as leaders on the field. Tiki has always lacked leadership qualities and his presence has clearly not been missed since the team seems to be in a better position this year than it has been in a long time. Say what you will about Eli Manning, he is improving every week. If his name wasn't Manning, you wouldn't find anybody saying that he has been a dissapointment. This offense has been impressive, and I expect them to have a great deal of success this weekend against Roy "I horsecollar one person blatantly every game and never ever get called for it" Williams and the pathetic Dallas pass defense.

The Giants will be looking to send a message to the entire NFL this weekend. It's time to take this team seriously. They are no longer made up of players with a lot of potential. They are made up of good football players. They are no longer a disjointed circus of egos mouthing off to the media. They are a unified team that enjoys playing together and has rid itself of its biggest ego (Barber). They can run, they can pass, and they can get to the quarterback like no other team in the league. Sunday afternoon's game is the biggest they have played this season. However, regardless of the outcome, this team will not fold and crumble the way they did a year ago.

Best Rant Of All Time

With Roger Goodell announcing this week that the one-year suspension of Pacman Jones will not be shortened, it only seemed right to include this rant from Chris Russo (of Mike and the Mad Dog) last year after receiving a phone call from a relative of the paralyzed victim from the Vegas strip club. Regardless of how you feel about the situation, you have to love the fire here:



Perhaps Goodell's punishments thus far have set a new precedent for severity. However, I can't help but feel that this is the best thing for the NFL. Pacman Jones is an extraordinarily talented player, but when he keeps making headlines the way he has been, he hurts the league far more than he could ever help it on the field. It's crazy to think that these types of punishments haven't been dished out in previous years. Think about this: Leonard Little only served 8 games for driving drunk and killing a woman. This is an absolute disgrace, and people barely remember it now. Going with what Russo says in his rant, imagine if that had been your mother, and 9 years later Little was still living the life of an NFL superstar. The players now are being punished much more severely for crimes that are less severe. This is a neccesary change. The league can't keep protecting these guys. These players need to be held accountable for their actions, and that will only happen if they really believe that their career can be jeopardized by their decisions.

So Much for Hope

There are so many directions that I could potentially go with this article, but ultimately they would all lead to that one excruciatingly unavoidable conclusion: the Eagles’ season is over. There are no more must wins and there are no more comeback opportunities, and there really will be very little to make the rest of the games this season worth watching. The odds that the Eagles will be swept by their division are ever increasing, and with one of the non-division games being against the Patriots, the Eagles will be lucky to squeeze 2 or 3 more wins out of the season.

There is really not much to say specifically pertaining to this game. It was the kind of game that is so bad that the film is virtually useless. What seems most apparent is that they have just stopped caring, and Andy Reid seems to be leading the charge of indifference. Why does Reid back stop calling big passes and start dumping the ball off to Westbrook inside when the first clearly worked and the second didn’t, Why not adjust the defensive scheme you have defensive ends (namely Trent Cole) who are so ineffective at the pass rush that they may as well be off the field? These questions may be irrelevant in the grand scheme of things but they represent the way that the Eagles, from the front office, to Reid, all the way to the special teams, have been sleepwalking through the season. Until this game, fans in Philadelphia really believed leading up to this game that Eagles had a chance to win and re-enter the playoff race. The team, however, appears to have given up on these objects much earlier.

Where do we go from here? Last week my column had a much more positive twist to it, but I know longer see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am feeling much more apocalyptic vibes from this team now. I think myself and others are beginning to realize how out of hand Reid’s private life is becoming, and I find it very hard to picture him on the sideline next season. I’m not ready to write of McNabb yet, but if Reid goes I believe McNabb will be gone as well. Where does that put the franchise? A second year QB in Kolb, uncertainties surrounding the head coach, a Brian Dawkins who may be approaching the end of his career, and little to be particularly excited about. It certainly looks bleak. I do tend to overreact now and then; I can only hope that now is one of those times.

The Look of a Champion

Ohio State may boast the team that is ranked number one in the nation, but I don't think there's any question that the nation's best team hails from Baton Rouge. It is virtually impossible to go undefeated in today's SEC. In fact, it hasn't been done since Auburn took home the division crown in 2004. The competition is simply too tough. Even last year's national champion Florida Gators, who manhandled Ohio State (also undefeated at the time) in the national championship game, couldn't escape the regular season unscathed. This trend has continued in 2007, as an undefeated team is nowhere to be found in the SEC standings. However, atop those standings, with a record of 5-1 (8-1 overall) you will find the LSU Tigers.

This season has been one unlike any other in college football history. Never before have so many dark horses emerged (Kansas, UCONN, South Florida, Oregon, etc.). Never before have so many pre-season giants turned out to be nothing more than paper champions (USC, Michigan, Notre Dame, Arkansas.....) However, the one team that has turned out to be exactly WHAT WE THOUGHT THEY WERE is LSU. Despite their one OT loss on the road at Kentucky (again, you can't go undefeated in this conference. The teams are just too good), this team has proven that they have all of the intangibles of a championship team. They have been tested every single week, facing six ranked teams and several others who are right on the cusp of cracking the top 25. They have taken knockout blow after knockout blow from powerhouse teams like Florida, Auburn, and Alabama and still found ways to come away victorious. We've known since before the season began about all of the speed, strength, and playmaking ability this team has on both sides of the ball. However, what we didn't know was how much resolve and moxie this team plays with every week. These championship qualities were never quite so evident as they were on Saturday evening in Tuscaloosa.

Saturday night's game was one of the most exciting in all of college football this season. As the game progressed, I couldn't help but be reminded of LSU's Saturday night game against Florida just about a month before. This had been the game in which LSU had, at least to me, clearly separated themselves from the rest of the teams in the nation. Tim Tebow had this team with their back to the wall several times, and they never showed the slightest hint of panic or frustration. However, things were going to be a little more hairy on Saturday night. The Tigers were playing before a hostile crowd of over 90,000 people. Across the way from them stood Nick Saban, who coached LSU to its last national title and has been the source of a great deal of controversy within the state of Louisiana since leaving to coach the Miami Dolphins only to return to the SEC two years later. Saban also has his own painted bus, which makes him a douchebag. The Tigers found themselves up by two touchdowns early, but faltered and were down three going into the half. LSU trailed by ten heading towards the end of the third quarter before a 61-yd toucdown put them within three.

The Tigers tied the game early in the fourth quarter but gave up a 61 yard punt return to Javier Arenas with seven and a half minutes left in the game. This should have been the backbreaker. Sitting there, watching the game, I said "that's it, game over." This would have been a loss for any other team in the nation. After surrendering a comfortable lead early, you claw your way back into the game, but give up a huge special teams touchdown late that proves to be the difference maker. The momentum was all in Alabama's favor after this play, as it had been for much of the time since the mid-way point of the second quarter. However, what LSU has shown us this year, both against Florida and against Alabama on Saturday, is that they don't feel these shifts in momentum. They play the same way from start to finish regardless of the situation. It's the same way the New England Patriots played yesterday at Indianapolis after Gary Brackett's interception. Everyone, including the Colts, felt the momentum shift had reached the tipping point. But, the Patriots kept playing and came away with a win (now please, let's not ever discuss that again). The Tigers rallied to score two touchdowns in the last three minutes and came away with a huge road win. The final touchdown of the game, a 1-yard run by Jacob Hester, was reminiscent of the way LSU sealed their victory four weeks ago against Florida.

The Tigers are only getting better as the season goes on. Having star wideout Early Doucet (2 TDs against Alabama) back from injury will only make their offense more dangerous. Frankly, I can't see them losing again. If this team meets the Buckeyes in the national championship game, you can expect a game very similar to last year's blowout. As football fans, our only hope is that Michigan knocks off Ohio State in week 12 and opens up the door for a LSU-Oregon or an LSU-Oklahoma matchup. Both of these would be much better games, but I expect both to have the same outcome. This LSU team has been pushed to the limit on several occasions this season, and they will draw on those experiences as we enter the bowl season.

Celtic Pride (Not the Movie)

Writing about last night's game is not an easy task. I'm still in awe by what happened. I expected great things from this team, but I also was expecting the Wizards to be a formidable opening night opponent. I have always heard about the original big three but never believed that a team like that could exist in this era of basketball. Three superstars, three of the greatest players of their era, priding themselves on being unselfish on the court? Three superstars saying that they don't care who gets the ball as long as the team is winning and actually meaning it? Three future hall-of-famers saying that the most important thing for them is to make sure that they are playing within the system their coach has put in place? This shouldn't sound so crazy! And yet, many experts refuse to belive that a team like this can exist in 2007. If last night was any indication of things to come, this is going to be a special season in Boston.

In an interview before the game with Greg Dickerson, Paul Pierce said that in April he thought there was an 80 per cent chance that he wouldn't be a Celtic when this season tipped off. This sentiment had nothing to do with Pierce being unhappy playing in Boston and everything to do with the team's situation. "I think that the team was being forced to go in another direction" the captain said. In thinking about his comments, I can't help but think back to last spring and about how unlikely and unpredictable this all has been. I can remember partaking in all sorts of odd voodoo rituals that I found online in an attempt to allign the universe the way that it needed to be for us to land the first or second pick in the draft lottery. If this had happened, it would have almost certainly meant that Pierce would be moved and we would have entered the next phase of the rebuilding process. Oddly enough, if we had gotten the number one pick (the one for which we were all hoping) we would have ended up without Pierce and with our newest addition out for the season with a knee injury. Oddly enough, it turned out that missing out on Oden and Durant was the best thing that could have happened.

The Celtics, Sonics, and Timberwolves each found themselves at a crossroads this summer. Each had a core of talented young players, high picks in what was a very talented draft, and veteran superstars who had become staples of the franchise but did not fit in with the youth movement that was taking place. With the knowledge that they were going to be drafting either Kevin Durant or Greg Oden with the second overall pick and the knowledge that Rashard Lewis would be moving elsewhere, the Sonics made a decision to continue building around their young core of players. Once Ray Allen became part of the equation in Boston, and Kevin Garnett made it known that Boston was a place he'd like to be, the Wolves decided that the best thing for them was to set KG loose in exchange for a very talented group of young players. Looking back on it now, things worked out perfectly. Three teams found themselves at a crossroads and the Celtics were the only one that was able to keep the face of their franchise in town and bring in players that will help right away. I don't think that anybody could have predicted such an outcome for this franchise that has been haunted by misfortune over the past 20 years.

Last night was just the first win in what will be a long and trying 82 game season, but it was significant. Even through the television, the TD Banknorth Garden felt like a gladiator pit when the game tipped off. There was smoke clearing from the floor from the pre-game celebration, the fans were so loud that they were nearly drowning out Tommy and Mike. Mike said "this feels like we're playing at the old Garden tonight!" Even through the television, we got the same feeling. Even Tommy Heinsohn seemed different last night. Watching the game at Bobby's apartment on Hanover Street, I should have been close enough to smell the whiskey on Tommy's breath as he yelled into the microphone about the raw deal that the Celtics were getting from the referees and the media. But, instead, Tommy seemed very content to sit and soberly take in his team playing near-perfect basketball. It wouldn't suprise me if these roster changes add years to his life.

As for the game itself, I don't have much to say. I have a notebook with a whole bunch of notes in it, but they all seem irrelevant to what was taking place. As the season rolls on, we'll have lots of in-game analysis for you. For now, the important thing for everyone to realize is that this is a special team. From top to bottom, I can't think of a better way for them to be put together. The three leaders are classy veterans that pride themselves on playing team basketball. The other two starters are young, tough, energetic players who do the little things. The bench is filled with role players who all contribute in different ways (I'm even including Scalabrine, begrudgingly, because I liked his drive, miss, rebound, putback in the first half last night). Most importantly, you can sense that this is a team that has great chemistry. These are guys who like being around each other. This is a team where the starters scream from the bench for the second and third unit guys to do well even though they are just playing mop-up minutes. This is a team where guys are constantly joking with each other on the bench and picking each other up on the court. This team has all the early signs of a championship contender, and barring any major injuries, I expect them to take the Eastern Conference crown.

Corpsegrinder Fisher........

Here is Corpsegrinder Fisher, the lead singer from Cannibal Corpse. He is giving an interview in Europe while on tour. I have a feeling that the interviewer wasn't planning on being totally dominated while Corpsegrinder ignored his questions and rambled on and on and on about World of Warcraft..........

Season Preview: The Boston Celtics...Dancers.

With all the excitement surrounding the acquisition of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen by the Celtics, fans in Boston finally have something to look forward to when the NBA season tips off tomorrow night. However, in reality, the Green made perhaps one of the greatest acquisitions in franchise history last year. No, I am not talking about Sebastian Telfair, I am talking about something the organization has been waiting for since its inception in 1946…The Celtics Dancers.

Despite the many titles, great players, and unforgettable moments throughout the franchises history, fans of the Boston Celtics wallowed for 60 years in sub-par non-basketball entertainment. Sure there were the occasional husband-wife juggling act, dogs on a tricycles (a personal favorite of mine) and lame contests where fans attempt to put on Pervis Ellison’s game jersey, shorts, and sneakers, dribble the length of the court and make a lay-up. And this is supposedly one of the great franchises in professional sports?

Over the last decade Celtics fans have watched as ownership trotted out the likes of Marty Conlon, Eric Montross, Ricky Davis, and Raef LaFrentz. Attendance and interest dwindled, The Garden only sold out for NSYNC and U2, and many people turned to hard drugs to ease the pain and embarrassment of watching their once glorious basketball team be ridiculed on a weekly basis by a plethora of babbling douchebags including, but not limited to, Ahmad Rashaad and whatever random white chick they smuggled in from E! to stand along side him and exchange useless banter.

As the team entered the 21st century it was clear that the Celtics lacked talent on the court AND talent on the court. The popularity of the Laker Girls spurred a revolution around the league, but the Celtics, an organization steeped in history and tradition continued to hold their ground. As pressure mounted on the team to win more games and place an entertaining and competitive product on the court, fans also grew restless for scantily clad, well toned, young women; somewhere in between strippers and ballerinas…walking the dangerously thin line between respectable and skanky every time there was a break in the action.

With Red Auerbach out of the way, and a hornier, sleazier front office pulling the strings, the Celitcs finally rose to the occasion and became the last team in the NBA to assemble a “high powered dance unit”. In their first performance EVER the Celtics Dancers dazzled the Boston fans with a riveting and barely classy number to the sweet and sultry sounds of Van Halen. This was the beginning of a new era for the Boston Celtics. No more would the world scoff at the Cs for their lack of well choreographed sex objects in green and white, no more would grown men go to the Celtics games with their wives and have nothing to worry about in the “caught looking” department. It was the dawning of an age, an age we are now poised to enjoy at high level every time the action on the court comes to a stop, the dancing will begin.


The 2007-2008 Squad

The Celtics Dancers are led, passionately, fearlessly, totally, by their “Director” Marina Ortega (like the salsa). (From the Website) “ Prior to joining the Boston Celtics, Ortega spent time in Europe as the Dance Team Director for the Frankfurt Galaxy (NFL Europe), of Frankfurt, Germany. Her work in Germany included auditioning over 300 women for only 35 spots, choreographing dance routines, designing uniforms and handling team publicity” which makes her very well qualified for…nothing.

Although this year’s squad boasts only one returning all-star, the veritable prodigy from Northampton, MA, Courtney; they combine youth, experience, and several different hair colors and breast sizes with grace and what the French call a certain “I don’t know what”. But these women are much more than a firm ass and a sense of rhythm, their backgrounds are as varied as their sexual partners, their talents few, their passion somewhat believable. One needs only to look at their biographies to know that this is truly a special group of young women, many of whom have fathers that are totally ashamed by their career choice.

In case you do not happen to stumble across the “Team’s” webpage and spend three hours carefully dissecting each individual dancer’s strengths, weaknesses and personal histories I have prepared some information that will help you to become a better fan, and dare I say, a better human being.

Geographically speaking, the team is fairly diverse with Dancers hailing from California to right here in Boston, MA. The most random hometown goes to Chantal from Edenvale, Gauteng, South Africa, who had this to say about her favorite Basketball player Paul Pierce: “he plays the game the way it should be played. He doesn't showboat, he's a team player and puts points up on the board.” Wise words indeed from a girl one ankle sprain away from Ten’s Show Club in Salisbury, MA.

Strangest personal belonging goes to Jen, who keeps a Wheaties box featuring “The Admiral” David Robinson in her room. And I thought a glass case full of dolls was creepy.

Most peculiar thing that a dancer wants people to know about her goes to Melissa from Methuen, MA who says: “I have a baby sister who is two years old, and yes, she has the same parents!” note: I did not add the exclamation point.

The girls also boast some amazing hidden talents. For example, Amie from Lowell, MA was a championship pole vaulter in High School. And last weekend, and the weekend before that…

The award for commitment to the Celtics Dancers goes to none other than the team’s lone allstar representative, Courtney. This Newport California beauty claims that if she could live anywhere in the world it would be on the TD Banknorth Garden court! Yes, you and countless homeless individuals who currently sleep outside the TD Banknorth Garden..

Favorite food goes to Meaghan, who at approximately 47 pounds claims to love “anything involving chocolate!” To this I have two responses: 1) Prove it. 2) Laxatives do not count.

Startlingly, two of the ladies (Emily and Jaclyn) aspire to become English Professors and to not get pregnant by Shawn Kemp. (OK, I made up that last part)

Biggest Bullshit award has to go to Nicole, who claims that her favorite book is Crime and Punishment. Nobody’s favorite book is Crime and Punishment. Nobody has lied so blatantly on a biography profile since I claimed “The Arsenio Hall Show” as my favorite television show in a paper I wrote in 4th grade. True story.

By far, I would have to say the greatest thing I came across would have to be Michelle’s lifetime goal: “To be happy, of course; but I'd also like to have a pet squirrel, though I'm not really sure why.” This immediately makes her the coolest girl on the team in my estimation, edging out Athenia, who can touch her tongue to her nose.

So, as you can see this is shaping up to be one of the greatest years in the history of the Boston Celtics (Not including any year prior to 1992). As we are mere hours away from the opening tip and the beginning of a new era let us not forget the ladies in green who began this revolution only months ago. Let us remember that they too face the enormous pressure of expectations hurled upon them by the Celtic faithful like so many crumpled one dollar bills. Some will prosper and some will fail, but such is the life of a Celitc's Dancer. Ultimately in this business only one thing is certain: Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce are sick.