With all the excitement surrounding the acquisition of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen by the Celtics, fans in Boston finally have something to look forward to when the NBA season tips off tomorrow night. However, in reality, the Green made perhaps one of the greatest acquisitions in franchise history last year. No, I am not talking about Sebastian Telfair, I am talking about something the organization has been waiting for since its inception in 1946…The Celtics Dancers.
Despite the many titles, great players, and unforgettable moments throughout the franchises history, fans of the Boston Celtics wallowed for 60 years in sub-par non-basketball entertainment. Sure there were the occasional husband-wife juggling act, dogs on a tricycles (a personal favorite of mine) and lame contests where fans attempt to put on Pervis Ellison’s game jersey, shorts, and sneakers, dribble the length of the court and make a lay-up. And this is supposedly one of the great franchises in professional sports?
Over the last decade Celtics fans have watched as ownership trotted out the likes of Marty Conlon, Eric Montross, Ricky Davis, and Raef LaFrentz. Attendance and interest dwindled, The Garden only sold out for NSYNC and U2, and many people turned to hard drugs to ease the pain and embarrassment of watching their once glorious basketball team be ridiculed on a weekly basis by a plethora of babbling douchebags including, but not limited to, Ahmad Rashaad and whatever random white chick they smuggled in from E! to stand along side him and exchange useless banter.
As the team entered the 21st century it was clear that the Celtics lacked talent on the court AND talent on the court. The popularity of the Laker Girls spurred a revolution around the league, but the Celtics, an organization steeped in history and tradition continued to hold their ground. As pressure mounted on the team to win more games and place an entertaining and competitive product on the court, fans also grew restless for scantily clad, well toned, young women; somewhere in between strippers and ballerinas…walking the dangerously thin line between respectable and skanky every time there was a break in the action.
With Red Auerbach out of the way, and a hornier, sleazier front office pulling the strings, the Celitcs finally rose to the occasion and became the last team in the NBA to assemble a “high powered dance unit”. In their first performance EVER the Celtics Dancers dazzled the Boston fans with a riveting and barely classy number to the sweet and sultry sounds of Van Halen. This was the beginning of a new era for the Boston Celtics. No more would the world scoff at the Cs for their lack of well choreographed sex objects in green and white, no more would grown men go to the Celtics games with their wives and have nothing to worry about in the “caught looking” department. It was the dawning of an age, an age we are now poised to enjoy at high level every time the action on the court comes to a stop, the dancing will begin.
The 2007-2008 Squad
The Celtics Dancers are led, passionately, fearlessly, totally, by their “Director” Marina Ortega (like the salsa). (From the Website) “ Prior to joining the Boston Celtics, Ortega spent time in Europe as the Dance Team Director for the Frankfurt Galaxy (NFL Europe), of Frankfurt, Germany. Her work in Germany included auditioning over 300 women for only 35 spots, choreographing dance routines, designing uniforms and handling team publicity” which makes her very well qualified for…nothing.
Although this year’s squad boasts only one returning all-star, the veritable prodigy from Northampton, MA, Courtney; they combine youth, experience, and several different hair colors and breast sizes with grace and what the French call a certain “I don’t know what”. But these women are much more than a firm ass and a sense of rhythm, their backgrounds are as varied as their sexual partners, their talents few, their passion somewhat believable. One needs only to look at their biographies to know that this is truly a special group of young women, many of whom have fathers that are totally ashamed by their career choice.
In case you do not happen to stumble across the “Team’s” webpage and spend three hours carefully dissecting each individual dancer’s strengths, weaknesses and personal histories I have prepared some information that will help you to become a better fan, and dare I say, a better human being.
Geographically speaking, the team is fairly diverse with Dancers hailing from California to right here in Boston, MA. The most random hometown goes to Chantal from Edenvale, Gauteng, South Africa, who had this to say about her favorite Basketball player Paul Pierce: “he plays the game the way it should be played. He doesn't showboat, he's a team player and puts points up on the board.” Wise words indeed from a girl one ankle sprain away from Ten’s Show Club in Salisbury, MA.
Despite the many titles, great players, and unforgettable moments throughout the franchises history, fans of the Boston Celtics wallowed for 60 years in sub-par non-basketball entertainment. Sure there were the occasional husband-wife juggling act, dogs on a tricycles (a personal favorite of mine) and lame contests where fans attempt to put on Pervis Ellison’s game jersey, shorts, and sneakers, dribble the length of the court and make a lay-up. And this is supposedly one of the great franchises in professional sports?
Over the last decade Celtics fans have watched as ownership trotted out the likes of Marty Conlon, Eric Montross, Ricky Davis, and Raef LaFrentz. Attendance and interest dwindled, The Garden only sold out for NSYNC and U2, and many people turned to hard drugs to ease the pain and embarrassment of watching their once glorious basketball team be ridiculed on a weekly basis by a plethora of babbling douchebags including, but not limited to, Ahmad Rashaad and whatever random white chick they smuggled in from E! to stand along side him and exchange useless banter.
As the team entered the 21st century it was clear that the Celtics lacked talent on the court AND talent on the court. The popularity of the Laker Girls spurred a revolution around the league, but the Celtics, an organization steeped in history and tradition continued to hold their ground. As pressure mounted on the team to win more games and place an entertaining and competitive product on the court, fans also grew restless for scantily clad, well toned, young women; somewhere in between strippers and ballerinas…walking the dangerously thin line between respectable and skanky every time there was a break in the action.
With Red Auerbach out of the way, and a hornier, sleazier front office pulling the strings, the Celitcs finally rose to the occasion and became the last team in the NBA to assemble a “high powered dance unit”. In their first performance EVER the Celtics Dancers dazzled the Boston fans with a riveting and barely classy number to the sweet and sultry sounds of Van Halen. This was the beginning of a new era for the Boston Celtics. No more would the world scoff at the Cs for their lack of well choreographed sex objects in green and white, no more would grown men go to the Celtics games with their wives and have nothing to worry about in the “caught looking” department. It was the dawning of an age, an age we are now poised to enjoy at high level every time the action on the court comes to a stop, the dancing will begin.
The 2007-2008 Squad
The Celtics Dancers are led, passionately, fearlessly, totally, by their “Director” Marina Ortega (like the salsa). (From the Website) “ Prior to joining the Boston Celtics, Ortega spent time in Europe as the Dance Team Director for the Frankfurt Galaxy (NFL Europe), of Frankfurt, Germany. Her work in Germany included auditioning over 300 women for only 35 spots, choreographing dance routines, designing uniforms and handling team publicity” which makes her very well qualified for…nothing.
Although this year’s squad boasts only one returning all-star, the veritable prodigy from Northampton, MA, Courtney; they combine youth, experience, and several different hair colors and breast sizes with grace and what the French call a certain “I don’t know what”. But these women are much more than a firm ass and a sense of rhythm, their backgrounds are as varied as their sexual partners, their talents few, their passion somewhat believable. One needs only to look at their biographies to know that this is truly a special group of young women, many of whom have fathers that are totally ashamed by their career choice.
In case you do not happen to stumble across the “Team’s” webpage and spend three hours carefully dissecting each individual dancer’s strengths, weaknesses and personal histories I have prepared some information that will help you to become a better fan, and dare I say, a better human being.
Geographically speaking, the team is fairly diverse with Dancers hailing from California to right here in Boston, MA. The most random hometown goes to Chantal from Edenvale, Gauteng, South Africa, who had this to say about her favorite Basketball player Paul Pierce: “he plays the game the way it should be played. He doesn't showboat, he's a team player and puts points up on the board.” Wise words indeed from a girl one ankle sprain away from Ten’s Show Club in Salisbury, MA.
Strangest personal belonging goes to Jen, who keeps a Wheaties box featuring “The Admiral” David Robinson in her room. And I thought a glass case full of dolls was creepy.
Most peculiar thing that a dancer wants people to know about her goes to Melissa from Methuen, MA who says: “I have a baby sister who is two years old, and yes, she has the same parents!” note: I did not add the exclamation point.
The girls also boast some amazing hidden talents. For example, Amie from Lowell, MA was a championship pole vaulter in High School. And last weekend, and the weekend before that…
The award for commitment to the Celtics Dancers goes to none other than the team’s lone allstar representative, Courtney. This Newport California beauty claims that if she could live anywhere in the world it would be on the TD Banknorth Garden court! Yes, you and countless homeless individuals who currently sleep outside the TD Banknorth Garden..
Favorite food goes to Meaghan, who at approximately 47 pounds claims to love “anything involving chocolate!” To this I have two responses: 1) Prove it. 2) Laxatives do not count.
Startlingly, two of the ladies (Emily and Jaclyn) aspire to become English Professors and to not get pregnant by Shawn Kemp. (OK, I made up that last part)
Biggest Bullshit award has to go to Nicole, who claims that her favorite book is Crime and Punishment. Nobody’s favorite book is Crime and Punishment. Nobody has lied so blatantly on a biography profile since I claimed “The Arsenio Hall Show” as my favorite television show in a paper I wrote in 4th grade. True story.
By far, I would have to say the greatest thing I came across would have to be Michelle’s lifetime goal: “To be happy, of course; but I'd also like to have a pet squirrel, though I'm not really sure why.” This immediately makes her the coolest girl on the team in my estimation, edging out Athenia, who can touch her tongue to her nose.
So, as you can see this is shaping up to be one of the greatest years in the history of the Boston Celtics (Not including any year prior to 1992). As we are mere hours away from the opening tip and the beginning of a new era let us not forget the ladies in green who began this revolution only months ago. Let us remember that they too face the enormous pressure of expectations hurled upon them by the Celtic faithful like so many crumpled one dollar bills. Some will prosper and some will fail, but such is the life of a Celitc's Dancer. Ultimately in this business only one thing is certain: Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce are sick.
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