Mike Tyson's Punchout and National Basketball Teams

You could make the argument that this whole exercise is pointless because boxing is an Olympic sport and there is no reason to devote a post to whether or not video game boxers could make real life basketball teams. Of course if you did make that argument I would counter by calling you an idiot. So hat tip to this website for the pictures in the post and on to the analysis.

Glass Joe – France: At age 38 and 110 pounds we should immediately rule him out. But that wouldn’t make for much of a post. Instead I’ll give you three reasons Glass Joe wouldn’t make the cut.

3. One of Glass Joe’s favorite sayings, “Make it quick…I want to retire” would only strengthen a certain French stereotype. For the record Ronny Turiaf mocks said stereotype.

2. In Jack McCallum’s phenomenal Seven Seconds or Less: My Season on the Bench with the Runnin’ and Gunnin’ Phoenix Suns Boris Diaw famously said, “I do not date American women. I have them.” There’s no way he’s hanging out with the least confident, worst wingman ever.

1. If Vince Carter did this to Frederick Weiss what would LeBron James do to Glass Joe?

Von Kaiser – Germany: Disregard the fact that Von Kaiser is 42 and a complete push over. The bigger concern is that he frequently talks about his military background. I'm going to make a bit of an intellectual leap here and assume that Von Kaiser would aggressively push a pro German agenda. As a result he would not be happy with Chris Kaman joining the squad. This would create huge issues and destroy the chemistry Kaman enjoyed so much upon his arrival. Although we all can agree that Von Kaiser automatically gets a spot if he convinces the entire team to grow ridiculous mustaches.

Piston Honda – Japan: At age 28 he’s in his prime. However, despite a hulking frame, at 174 pounds Honda weighs significantly less than you would think. There’s no way he has the quickness or skills to play the 2 and there’s a great chance he’d get pushed around at the 4, which is most likely his natural position. For what it’s worth I feel his pain. I was a back to the basket center that played rooted to the floor and checked in at just over 6 feet. Bad combination. Still with their current ranking (32nd in the world) the Japanese might be more inclined to take a shot. Perhaps Piston Honda could tire out opposing 4s by sprinting up and down the court. That was always Bill Russell's approach as an undersized 5.

Don Flamenco – Spain: Flamenco’s youth might help his cause with some countries, but not Spain where Ricky Rubio and Rudy Fernandez lead a talented group of young players that complement the more experienced Spanish members currently in their primes. Strangely the biggest issue might not even be basketball related. There’s a strong chance that some of the Spaniards would not tolerate Flamenco’s constant plea, “People like my hair. Don’t mess my hair.”

King Hippo - Hippo Island: Before you rule him out for his surely epic weight (exact figure unknown) remember how big Sofoklis Schortsanitis is. The bigger issue is whether or not Hippo Island constitutes a sovereign nation that is recognized by the United Nations and the International Olympic Committee. If it is, King Hippo will play if he wants to and there’s nothing you can do about it. It's good to be king. Furthermore, though his mobility is atrocious, how many basketball players are there on Hippo Island? Chances are the team couldn’t turn him away, despite his weaknesses.

Great Tiger - India: So far Glass Joe and Don Flamenco were emphatic rejections. Von Kaiser's inclusion depended entirely on whether or not he could get the Germans to all grow mustaches. Meanwhile, Piston Honda and King Hippo were probably in, but nobody felt all that good about their inclusion. However, the Great Tiger is an entirely different case. True India (currently ranked 46th in the world) is the most desperate team we have encountered thus far, not counting the Hippo Island squad, which may or may not exist. And as I considered him two glaring issues jumped out at me:

1. Much like Piston Honda, Great Tiger tips his punches big time, as the shining jewel precedes any jab. It's not out of the realm of possibility that he would telegraph his passes as well and be a turnover machine.

2. There's a massive chance that FIBA and the IOC would ban Great Tiger's teleportation method. And to be honest that's what made him so appealing in the first place.

So here's the plan. India would need to qualify for the Olympics without Great Tiger playing. With a population somewhere around 1,147,995,898 people this is doable if it is an agreed upon goal. Meanwhile, Great Tiger would practice with the team in secret and join the roster at the last minute. I'm pretty sure there is nothing in the current rule books against teleportation, because why would there be? Boom Great Tiger shows up and stuns opponents with his teleportation, leading India to a medal in the process.

Bald Bull - Turkey: During Team USA's tune up against Turkey a couple of things came to light:

1. Turkey's new coach was putting an end to established Turkish players negotiating late arrivals to camp. The idea was that everyone has to be on the same page. At 2 pounds shy of 3 bills Bald Bull could easily be the heavy and pressure his peers into making the full commitment.

2. At one point Kobe Bryant bounced a pass off the floor for an ally oop to Carmelo Anthony. That's downright embarrassing. Yet it was only possible because the Turkish players gave up on the play. Of the 5 on the floor only one player was remotely close and he was furious at his teammates. Once again if Bald Bull is running the court, and despite his size you know he will, everyone else will fall in line.

But there's more. As I mentioned Bald Bull will run the floor. That's a given due to his favorite move - the Bull Charge. Additionally I could see him taking the ball and driving strong to the hoop. There would only be two ways to stop him - punch him in the stomach or take a charge. The former is illegal and the latter takes a lot of courage. Finally, I dare you to try a bounce pass ally oop or any other chicanery against a team that features Bald Bull.

Soda Popinski - USSR: Let's get it out there on the table. Soda Popinski is an alcoholic. He drinks between rounds and his drivers license was revoked. Are we going to split hairs? So from that stand point his participation would be in doubt. And then there's the whole dilemma of what exactly Popinski's nationality is. It's hard to say. One of the underrated aspects of the old USSR was how it created a Soviet identity that was not synonymous with a Russian identity. Still I'm going with my gut on this one and assuming that Popinski was not born in one of the satellite countries. In the end I see David Blatt (Russian coach) saying thanks but no thanks and passing on Popinski. It's fine if Andrei Kirilenko roams on defense. That's part of the Russian scheme. But Popinski would be a completely liability and the system would break down. Think Zach Randolph with the '07 Trail Blazers. That's actually a decent comparison because Popinski obviously loves strip clubs too.

Mr. Sandman - USA (Philadelphia): Ultimately Mr. Sandman has several issues standing in his way.

1. What is his real name? I can't imagine the US issuing a passport to a someone under the following scenario:

First Name: Mr.
Last Name: Sandman

And even if he got that American passport officials in the host country would be less than impressed.

2. He's from the USA, which pulls entirely from the NBA. On top of that the American squad is currently heavy on guards and wings. So Mr. Sandman would be up against the same thing Tyson Chandler was when Jerry Colangelo chose Tayshaun Prince to wear the red, white, and blue.

3. You know he's a back to the basket, low post kind of player. International basketball is not conducive to that style of play.

Still given his size, toughness, and lack of character issues compared to the other Americans in Mike Tyson's Punch Out (more on this later) Mr. Sandman has the best chance of making the squad.

Super Macho Man - USA (Hollywood): Even though he just entered his prime Super Macho Man looks about 27 going on 40. My guess is that in addition to boxing he's a big time body builder. I bet he's spent plenty of time in the sun pumping iron on Venice Beach. And let's be honest, he's getting a lot of help from steroids. And I'm not taking HGH or any other top of the line banned substances. He's definitely walking around all jacked up on steroids that would knock a horse off its feet. I feel strongly about this. Therefore, given the IOC's strong stance on banned substances Super Macho Man has absolutely no shot.

Mike Tyson - USA (Catskill, NY*): Mike Tyson's Punch Out came out in 1987, which was definitely before the rape, jail time, ear biting, and everything else that went wrong with Tyson. Still in terms of creating an international incident he's right up there with Bald Bull and Soda Popinski. I can picture Tyson going into the stands Ron Artest style. At the same time Tyson says, "Is this kid a joke? Where's the real challenger?" That exemplifies an attitude that got the Americans in trouble in international play in 2002, 2004, and 2006. Add it all up and Mike Tyson does not make the cut.

Little Mac and Doc - USA (Brooklyn): Right off the bat I know what you're thinking - Little Mac is way too short to play basketball, especially when you realize that Team USA purposely went with bigger guards (Jason Kidd and Deron Williams) in '08 after possibly being undersized in '04. However, Patrick Mills of Australia showed that a lightning quick, shorter guard can do some damage in that warm up game against Team USA. And I don't doubt that Little Mac can move. So the biggest issue is that Little Mac is part of a package deal. He'd definitely want to bring Doc with him. It's similar to the way relatives or coaches of some high school basketball players join the staffs of the colleges those big time recruits choose to attend. Team USA would not want Doc on the staff. First of all he only gives vague advice to Little Mac. Secondly Doc pitches the Nintendo Fan Club at the worst possible moments, like when Tyson is pounding on Little Mac. And in the end the players on Team USA stay in excellent shape and would not go for jogging behind Doc's bike, which is his biggest strength as a coach. So Little Mac and Doc don't make the cut.

* I listed Iron Mike's hometown as Catskill, NY because the game did. But let's not for a second pretend he's from anywhere but Brooklyn.