Skins-Giants Live Blogging Transcript

From a friend of mine who watched the debacle last night:

First Quarter:
10:56 - Skins player Jacob gets pimp-slapped right in his face by Giants player Washington. What does he do? He takes it on his knees like a babyback bitch.
10:55 - Fatass Goldbitch is injured, gets sent off field for some ice and donuts.
10:01 - Smoot causes a foul.
9:54 - Lo and behold! The slowest man alive, Eli Manning, "runs" the ball into the end zone. Skins coach, Jim Zorn, hangs his head in shame. Literally. On national television.
9:45 - On the Skin's first offensive play of the 2008 season, the QB eats a sacked lunch. This bodes well.
8:38 - Another foul for the Skins.
8:14 - The Skin's kicker absolutely lambasts a cannon-like 35 yard punt with a hangtime only someone with Wyatt's Earp's handspeed could record.
4:40 - Landry gets lit. the. fuck. up. by Jacobs in embarassing fashion. Resident fatass announcer John Madden remarks that Landry is perfect cannon fodder for highlight reels.
2:55 - 10 - 0 Giants. At this rate, the final score will be a modest 60-0.
2:49 - Yet another offensive foul for the Skins.
2:48 - Seeing a blitz coming, the Skins QB runs towards the wrong end zone like a 4-year-old furiously waddling to the salami wagon.
1:57 - Skins kicker is subjected to a mid-air rape. I laugh for a good 30 seconds.
0:24 - Skins have yet to get a first down. I feel the inevitable creep of utterly macabre ennui sweep over me. I begin to remember why I can't stand watching the Skins.

Second Quarter:
11:07 - Smoot misses a lay-up interception. I've had an easier time catching VD.
11:03 - False start, Redskins.
11:03 - Skin's newest "star" acquisition, Jason Taylor, misreads a play and a potential sack, allowing New York to tack on 3 points to their tally a la FG.
9:08 - The Skins fall one yard short of their first first down and hit up their fourth punt of the game.
7:59 - I nearly cream my pants eating a chocolate cranberry walnut cookie from Blue Duck Tavern. Holy shit.
3:23 - Plexico catches his 4987th pass of the night .
3:01 - Yards Giants: 246 - Redskins: 16, no passes completed
2:06 - 16 - 0 Skins. Just kidding, 16 - 0 Giants. New York now has as many points on the board as the Redskins have yards. Golf clap.
1:30 - Madden reminds us that Campbell has yet to complete a pass. Zorn's 60-40 pass offense is really shining through.
1:28 - 28:32 minutes in, Campbell completes his first pass!
0:13 - Lightning strikes and Moss runs in for a TD. But, you know, lightning strikes one out of every three hundred sixty-five people, so....

Halftime:
Disgusting, out-of-place sideline bitch Andrea reports that Zorn is "disgusted" with his team's performance thus far.

Third Quarter:
14:55 - Whoever the hell that ref is needs to ease up on the roids. Seriously. He looks bigger than half the players.
13:40 - For obvious reasons, I decide I like Kiwanukka's name.
13:30 - Moss gets hit so hard his helmet falls off. I desperately shield my eyes from blinding nappiness.
10:29 - Carlos Rogers cradles an interception for a good five seconds before dropping it. He ain't payin' no chil' s'port!
6:30 - Coming back downstairs after my shower, I immediately fall to my knees weeping as I see a Manning pass intercepted screaming, "WHYYYYYY?!" (Cue Earth zoomout cam.)

Figuring the Skins will lose miserably, I quit while I'm ahead. This is in good fun so hopefully they win for your sakes.

Brilliant, if you ask me.