A Look Into A New Era

From Lion In Oil : A study done by mycelebrityfashion.co.uk found that most European men (34% of the over 1,000 polled) would be more turned on by seeing their sexual partner in bed wearing the jersey of their favorite soccer team than seeing them wearing "sexy lingerie", fantasy role playing outfits, normal nightwear, and even nothing at all.


I'm sure there are people out there who will find this study shocking, and chalk it up as a testament to how fanatical European soccer fans are. I for one was not shocked, and am in fact surprised that the number was not higher than 34%. This is not rocket science. There is nothing hotter than a girl dressed up in a jersey of your favorite team. Every guy knows that. But, they would never say it. That's what makes this study so groundbreaking. We need to get this information disseminated to females everywhere.

Women have been led horribly astray by all of the advertising that's out there. Yeah, sexy lingerie is nice, don't get me wrong. It will never be turned down. Naked is great. It speaks to our primal instincts. French Maid outfits, Police uniforms with handcuffs, full black leather suits with whips and nipple clamps......for the most part, guys are always open to adventure. But, ladies, things don't need to be so hard. You don't need to drop 100 dollars on underwear, and you don't need to degrade yourself by sneaking in and out of sex shops wearing a large trench coat and sunglasses. It's a nice gesture, and we appreciate it. But, if you really want to give us what we're looking for, all you need to do is remember the famous words that Warren Sapp shouted to Mike Sherman and put a jersey on.





I'll be honest, I read this article this morning, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. There is so much more to be uncovered, and I think that there's a lot of money to be made now that we've cleared the air on this subject. Never again shall NFL Shop catalogs use males or blank space to model their jerseys. They will use buxom women. Guys know they can buy the jersey to wear to the game. But, when they see this women wearing it while striking a sexually suggestive pose, they will feel completely compelled to buy. I expect Internet jersey sales to skyrocket across the four major sports.

Now, I have been struck by a number of random thoughts, questions, and rules on this subject and I feel the need to get them out here:

1) Redhead or not, A Brian Scalabrine jersey is NOT a turn-on.

2) Which sports jerseys are the most sexually appealing and why? My mind gravitates directly to football and basketball, but those are also my two favorite sports to watch. Baseball could work unbuttoned, but overall I'd say it's the weakest.

3) Hockey jerseys have to have their own discussion here. At first, I dismissed them quickly because there is too much skin covered. However, it's hard to simply dismiss the sex appeal of a classic styled jersey with the top laces undone. If you're unfamiliar with this style, see below (I know the Rangers wear them):



This look is very classy, and says a lot about the girl with which you're sleeping. If you find girl who sleeps in an untied Chris Drury jersey, you take her home to mom right away.

4) What type of footwear goes best with the jersey? I once knew a girl (this couple's identity will remain confidential) who bought her boyfriend a Jeremy Shockey red Giants jersey (which could only be pulled off by a non-blonde. A blonde might appear a little too close to reality) for his birthday. She surprised him with it by wearing it with nothing else but red high heels. Matching heels are nice, but are they the ideal match? What about a pair of Air Jordans? Is this taking things too far? Difficult to say. (Note: The Shockey jersey would have been perfect for some hate fucking last summer, and would now no longer be effective).

5) Why aren't strip clubs on top of this? Babcock and I discussed the city of Tampa and it's lack of imagination on our pre-super bowl podcast. The city has 42 strip clubs, EXACTLY the number of Super Bowls that had occurred at that point. Having each one devoted to a specific super bowl and having the girls shed their sparkly high dresses for jerseys of players and teams from those historic game seems like a no-brainer. The introduction of jerseys would be a great way for strip clubs to up their purchases of lapdances. What would be the most common jersey amongst strippers? My money is on LeBron....I have no basis for this, but I think it's true.



Don't tell me you wouldn't buy champagne from this lovely lady....


6) What exactly makes the best jersey to wear? It's difficult to say. I don't think it necessarily has to be your favorite team, or even a team that you like. I hate the Lakers as much as anybody in Boston, but the thought of a girl coming to bed in a Magic Johnson jersey scratches me right where I itch. Scal, as I said, is a no go. KG is a go. As much as I love Eli Manning, I don't see this jersey doing anything for me. But, a Tim Tebow jersey would be great. I don't think I could get in to a Charlotte Bobcats jersey, but I think I'd be all over a UNC tarheel basketball jersey or a Penn State football jersey. Who knows.

7) Pink jerseys do not apply here. In fact, there is not a bigger turnoff out there than the pink Red Sox shirt or hat. Only the real thing please.


8) Why do we feel this way? We don't want to sleep with these athletes. Do we feel like we might somehow take on some of their powers by engaging in coitus with their jersey? Do we feel like it somehow solidifies a connection that we want desperately to have with them? I have read comments on sites (this article has been linked all over) by people who feel that jocks and sports fans have repressed homosexual tendencies. I feel very secure in my sexuality, and I really don't think it's homoerotic. A hot girl in a KG jersey is hot. However, I can say with quite a bit of certainty that I am not sexually attracted to KG himself. Who knows. Whatever it is, I assume it is probably related to the same underlying feelings that cause us to buy these jerseys for ourselves in the first place.


9) Does this have to end at major sports? What about pro wrestling? Would a girl dressed up with arm ribbons, boots, and face paint like the ultimate warrior do it for you? It's hard for anybody to say yes or no for sure without actually putting themselves in this situation. There is a lot of market research still to be done. And, at what point does the line become blurred between sports memorabilia and role playing outfits?




10) Finally, while I'm writing, I feel the need to chime in on what I think are the best jerseys for this type of thing. Here they are...the all-star team...hopefully appearing soon at a gentlemen's club near you: