Wall Street- Shareholders of Roomofzen.com received news from top executives within the firm that the website's value has hit an all-time high. In a statement given from the corporations Amesbury, MA offices CFO Ben Babcock stated that "Despite these trying economic times the site is currently valued at $1036.60, an all time high. For those of you who have difficulty in math, that is a 1250% increase in value since the company went public in 2007."
The news could not have come at a better time for the site, which is mired in the traditionally slow part of the fiscal year that falls in between Basketball and Football seasons.
"Typically you see a lack of interest in sports blogs during this time of the year, " said Babcock, who spoke with us via cellphone from the porch of his top floor penthouse in Amesbury's exclusive neighborhood, known to the world as "near downtown". "While no one can deny the impact of Baseball on American culture and on sports media in general, there is no disputing that it is rather boring; especially when compared to spending a morning in a rocking chair, listening to Ragged Glory and smoking cigarettes, as I am doing right now. This has always been one of our slowest portions of the year in terms of actual output, our customers know this, and they brace themselves for an increased number of youtube videos and fewer podcasts." He then added with a sigh, "We all must make sacrifices in these difficult economic times, we here at Roomofzen.com are no different than anyone else. We put our Boner Salad T shirts on one sleeve at a time, too."
However, Babcock was quick to point out that with the start of both the NFL and NCAA football seasons right around the corner the site plans nothing short of total dominance in the third quarter. "You can rest assured that our staff and its subsidiaries have been ramping things up in the "offseason". The blogging industry requires a lot from its employees. This summer has not been wasted, rather this is a time where we encourage personal development in the form of bachelor parties, NASCAR race attendance, vomiting into shrubs, that sort of thing...we can always find ways to improve, whether that means something as exorbitant as purchasing Playstation 3 or something as simple as switching aftershaves, we are constantly looking to improve the quality of our product and grow our brand."
Rumors have been swirling in recent weeks about whether or not the company had plans to tap into either India or China's ever expanding blog market, which boasts cheap labor costs and literally billions of assholes that fit the bill of the company's target demographic. Mr Babcock, however, refused to comment on these allegations calling them "Unfounded, ridiculous, and absolute typical communist hogwash. We're an American company, and that is really where we are at right now. But, in today's economy you need to remain versatile and flexible, literally and figuratively, and so I won't rule anything out at this point. We've got a long way to go to get to where we want to be, but we're on our way"
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