DISAPUNTING

The Chris Hanson-Punter, New England Patriots

As if it wasn't bad enough that he will forever be mistaken for a reporter with a penchant for busting horny pedolphiles who believe they are about to engage in a sexual act with a minor New England Patriots punter Chris Hanson (Not Chris Hansen) severely hurt his pro-bowl chances by mishandling a snap during yesterday's 20-10 victory over the New York Jets. Hanson, who entered the game as the leading vote getter in the AFC (95,386 votes) looked pathetic as a perfect snap from long-time Patriots long snapper Lonnie Paxton sailed through his frail, lady-like fingers into his facemask. After regaining control of the ball Hanson attempted to kick the ball but it was easily blocked and returned for a touchdown by David Bowens. I know what you're thinking...the Patriots have a punter?

Yes, I too was perplexed when I heard that Hanson (possibly related to the well known pop group Hanson of mmm-bop fame) led the AFC in pro-bowl votes because in all honesty I could not remember him punting at all throughout the first 13 games of a season. In fact, entering Sunday's game against the Jets Hanson had only punted 32 times all season. He had punted 2 times or less in 8 of the Pats 13 games. To put this in perspective (and to justify me blatantly wasting time to research punting statistics) on October 22, 1933, a day that will henceforth be known as "Day of Many Punts" two games saw combined punting attempts total 31. In fact, four times during the 1933 season teams combined to punt 15 or more times in a game. Imagine being forced to relive that Steelers-Dolphins monday night game from earlier this year every weekend for a month. That's enough to make me want to experiment with Crystal Meth. I'm not sure if the excessive punting has anything to do with the Nazis coming to power in Germany or the Great Depression but I am looking into it.

Hanson had been doing a great job of being the most obscure player on the NFLs most talked about team. This is the absolute ideal situation for a punter to be in. Unknown, underused, oversexed (No, I can't confirm that but it seems fitting, and justified) Earlier this year Todd Sauerbrun (A former Patriots Punter himself) was named "Worst Person in the NFL". This is every punter's worst nightmare. In Saurbraun's case however, the title was warranted as he kicked to Devin Hester two times (both of which he returned for scores) and then a few days later was arrested for a drunken altercation in a restaurant. There seems to be an unwritten law among punters in the NFL to keep quiet. Or, and perhaps more likely, no one gives a shit what they have to say. I can't remember a punter saying anything interesting, ever, unless you count a guy who I played football with in college, one Adam Jermaine Goodfellow, who has said many interesting and disturbing things over the years, most of which I cannot post on this page. And he had four toes on his kicking foot, but that is a story for another time.

Also, I have to take this chance to point out that directly following the blocked Hanson punt CBS did their obligatory "specialteams-coach-swearing-and-looking-to-kill-somebody shot". This is one of the most powerful cinematic moments in an NFL broadcast and often leads to "staff changes" in the offseason. Sweet redemption for the Patriots came when Kelly Washington blocked a Jets punt later in the game. As the camera panned back to the Patriots sideline you could see a look of relief on special teams coach Brad Seely's face that was strikingly reminiscent of the look you would see on the face of a man who just found out he was not in fact the father of his 18 year old babysitter's illegitimate child. You may keep your job...for now.

A little history on Hanson...He was undrafted out of Marshall where he was a teammate of both Randy Moss and Chad Pennington. It has been rumored that he was brought to the Patriots to "help Moss adapt" which would clearly mean "to roll his joints for him"... This year teams have only returned 11 Hanson Punts (HPs if you are hip to the lingo) for a total of 71 yards...In 2004 Hanson let off an amazing(?) 84 HPs for 3,592 yards...His favorite color is red, the color of blood.

Chris Hansen of Dateline NBC looking very intense

Looking forward, it remains to be seen whether or not the coaches and players (the other 2/3 of the pro-bowl voting process) will also see him as the best punter in the AFC. Hanson's counterpart on the NFC roster is shaping up to be the Cowboy's Matt McBriar (167,023 votes), who I will only refer to as "the nemesis" from this day on, may be more popular with the fans, but he does not have to deal with the same confusion with his name that Hanson does. The "success" and amazing unintentional humor value of "To Catch a Predator" may ultimiately overshadow Hanson's potential pro-bowl season. But I think Hanson will prefer it that way. If he drops another punt, however, he may very well be coaching girls JV soccer in Attleboro, MA next year, or dead, or playing in a horrible pop-band with his cousins(below).

The Band "Hanson"...I hate them.