Oracle Speaks, Volume 5

I have a question for the oracle: When are we going to see Roger Clemens star in a major blockbuster? He's as a good an actor as anyone in Hollywood. His fiery interviews almost make him believable (key word being almost). I really enjoyed his role in Kingpin, and I hope to see him in a larger role soon. I see him playing a vigilante-type character who shoots up a lot of people and blows up a bunch of stuff in an effort to clear his name. What do you think?

Greg, South Shore

Greg,

Thank you for your question. I should clarify before beginning to answer that when I say the oracle is all-seeing and all-knowing, I mean that it sees and knows everything that is happening in the present and happened in the past. The future, because it is dependent on what happens in the present, is more difficult to see. It must be this way. If the oracle knew the future, and didn't like it, it would just change the present in order to change the future. This kind of power can be dangerous. Nevertheless, I think that I have an answer for you.

The first part of your question is the most difficult to answer. It's hard to predict how successfully Roger will be able to transition back to the "marketable retired future hall-of-famer" phase of his life. Obviously, a lot will depend on the outcome of the Congressional investigation. As I see it, there are three possible outcomes: A) Congress could decide that they have no hard evidence against the Rocket. B) They could decide just the opposite. C) They could decide (as I have been advocating) that they have more important issues to address with their valuable time and money than Roger Clemens. These outcomes will all have significant impacts on how long it will take for Clemens to take his next logical step into the entertainment industry. If B takes place, you can all but cast aside any hopes of ever seeing the Rocket on the big screen again. In fact, you may want to expect seeing him in all types of crazy tabloid magazines next to other basket cases like Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Jose Canseco.

A and C are the wild cards. The biggest question that we have to ask is: how fast will this whole thing go away if nothing comes of the investigation? On the one hand, the guy is a legend, and was never convicted of the crime. However, OJ Simpson was outstanding in his role of Nordberg in the Naked Gun films, and I don't think any movie studios were knocking down his door after he was acquitted of murder. But, this is steroid use not murder, so you have to imagine that Roger's name will not become as tarnished in the court of public opinion. You see, there are many complexities at work here. I'm going to say that if A or C happen, you will see Roger Clemens making a cameo in a popular film within the next 5 years. If he handles this professionally, I expect his career to take off.

The second part of your question is much easier to answer. Obviously, there is no way to know what kind of scripts are going to come out within the next five years. But, the best thing to do is to take a look at typical movie roles and try to think who is best suited to play them. First, we have the suave, mysterious, James Bond man of espionage. I don't see Clemens in this role. Obviously, he doesn't cover his tracks well. I see a guy like Tom Brady or Roger Federer more likely to play these roles. How about a Rambo type? A big, intense dude that has the intense stare and instincts to take on an entire nation's army or terror network on their own? Clemens would certainly get more consideration for this role than for an international man of mystery, but I think that Kevin Garnett would be a more likely choice. Even on his most jacked up day, Clemens could never match Garnett's intensity. What about the simple, good old boy that makes it as a superstar in the big city? Larry Bird would get this gig long before Clemens. Finally, I would just like to state in this section that I would like to see Dennis Rodman take over all roles that would have been given to Wesley Snipes just as soon as Snipes is too old to play the action roles (which may have already happened). Why isn't Rodman a Hollywood star yet?!


Well, let's try to think of something more fitting. What about a baseball player? This will not work for several reasons. First of all, any baseball player role automatically goes to Kevin Costner before any other actor gets a chance at it. It is only after Costner has turned it down that anybody else can be considered. Look, everybody has their own opinions about Costner and his acting ability, but you'd be hard pressed to convince me that he is not a better choice than Clemens for most films. Secondly, the fact that Clemens was implicated in steroid use makes him a poor choice for anybody trying to convey the romantic idea of a long summer of baseball.

The final thing we need to consider is who has played roles similar to Clemens up until this point. Like you, I enjoyed Clemens role in Kingpin tremendously. A role that I enjoyed equally as much was the role of Cam Neely as Seabass in Dumb and Dumber. In fact, I thought that Neely was better than Clemens in this role. However, to the best of my knowledge, Neely has not been seen since. So, we can only assume that the role of these large, burly, rough edged men that like to rough-up and deflower innocent wanderers are not the key to Hollywood success, which is unfortunate because it is in these roles that Clemens is the most believable. I think that Clemens needs to continue making these cameos and building his career bit by bit if he hopes to someday have a leading role in a bad movie. It could happen. There are plenty of action movie stars out there that are unimpressive. Would the Die Hard series have dropped off at all if we replaced Bruce Willis with Clemens? Probably not. What about if we replaced Seagal with Clemens in the Under Siege films? No difference. Don't count the Rocket out yet Greg.

Thank you for your question. I would just like to add as an addendum to my answer that after reading your question, I had a dream in which Roger appeared on television every night as the spokesperson for Jagermeister. I know that this wouldn't happen, but I've got to tell you, this is the role that he was born to play.