U2 Is Not Classic Rock

I have decided to call my new album review feature "U2 Is Not Classic Rock" because that is something that I believe wholeheartedly, and yet, terrestrial and satellite radio and many "people" would have you believe otherwise. I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have tuned into a "classic rock" radio station and been met with this cunty irish dude singing "In the Name of love". I guess it doesn't matter that they were still in High school in the 1970s when Jimmy Page and Robert Plant were defiling women with live fish. I guess it doesn't matter that they didn't get popular in the United States (which seems to have had a huge boner for these guys ever since) until the mid 80s. In my mind there is no way that you can logically justify playing a U2 song after a Zeppelin song and pawn it off as "classic rock".

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I realize that I am bringing my own prejudices to this post. I do not like U2. I hate the sight of Bono holding some African woman's child and wearing sunglasses that he clearly stole from Jennifer Lopez. You've all seen him doing the same thing: acting as though he wished with all of his heart that he could grow a teat from which malnourished infants might suckle. Yeah, he's raising money for impoverished nations, which is great. But I still despise the sight of him, and I feel like there is some conspiracy out there that is trying to make him some kind of martyr. Why do world leaders like this guy? Is it his goatee? Is it the fact that his lead guitarist named himself "the edge" (also overrated)? Fact: No "classic rock" band has ever appeared on the Batman Forever Soundtrack. Fact: Seal's song Kiss From a Rose was the best song on that CD. Fact: Every time Bono claps his hands a child in Africa dies.

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So, anyway, below I will review two albums in two paragraphs or less. I will then grade them on a scale of 0-3 Roosters (Cocks to the layperson), the same number that apears on my family crest. I encourage you to digest what I wrote about U2, my ultimate hope is that by regularly posting U2 Is Not Classic Rock, eventually enough people will begin to share my sentiment and we will never have to suffer through "Vertigo" ever again.

Bad Brains "Bad Brains"

I recently saw a documentary on the history of the American Hardcore scene and these guys were featured prominently as driving forces in the creation and dominance of "hardcore". I don't have much experience with the genre but I was struck by the raw power of the music as well as the musicians technical prowess. Their lead guitarist goes by Dr. Know, which is up there with Slash as one of the sickest names for a lead guitarist ever (note: I obviously do not include "The Edge" in this group). The band displays its versatility on this album with tracks ranging from in your face rocking to stoney reggae vibes, proving to be equally at home shredding and screaming the perils of government facism as they are bouncing funky jamaican "Jah" tunes. I have to say I prefer when they cut loose and delve into their hardcore repetoire. I can only imagine how amazing it would have been to see these guys live at the time this album was released (1982) or even now, if they still tour.

Overall I give this album 3 Cocks. It is pretty accesible for someone like myself who does not have a lot of "hardcore" exerience. Tracks like The Big Take Over and The Right Brigade (my favorite on the album) really kick ass. Also, this album has a fair amount of significance being that it is regarded as one of the seminal releases of the genre, capturing one of the punk/hardcore scenes most talented and enigmatic groups at a particularly crucial moment in its history. Definitely a good album to have in your collection.

The Rolling Stones "Beggars Banquet"

Everytime I go to the record store (which is often) I seriously consider buying another Stones album. But, I am always worried that the next one I buy will be the one that lets me down. I realize that this line of thought is flawed: nothing ventured nothing gained. But I have been burned before (Neil Young's Greendale, for example). There is truly no guarantee that you will be satisfied with every album that a great band or musician has made. My last two Stones albums have been "exile on Main St." and "Sticky fingers" so anything is going to have a tough time prooving equally badass. I have to say that I was relieved to find that "Beggars Banquet" was also a great album.

The best part of working your way back through a band's list of albums is discovering the great B-Sides and lesser known songs that a casual fan would never be exposed to (again, radio is largely at fault). Most people have heard "Sympathy for the Devil" many times, but a really sick jam like "Stray Cat Blues" flies below the radar. The greatest satisfaction that I receive from buying Stones albums is that I seem to find two or three of these tracks on every record, and that to me is worth far more than any collection of number 1 hits that you can buy, prepackaged with a foldout poster and all of that shit. This album has contributed to my ever growing respect for the sheer volume of great songs that the Stones have pumped out over the years. It is one thing to tour constantly, drawing on a list of audience pleasing hits, it is quite another to create such a diverse catalog of really great songs over the course of dozens of albums. Forget about 40 Licks, there are far more than that out there if you are willing to dig beyond what is easy to hear and see. It is only a matter of time before I add another Rolling Stones disc to my collection. 3 Cocks.