Oracle Speaks: Clay Bennett Molests Puppies

The Sonics got hijacked from Seattle. I was not that big of a fan, but the stupidity of the action irks me. This is now the second professional sports franchise to be taken away from me (as Brass Bonanza plays in my cubicle) and I am beginning to think that it is just me. On that note, I am thinking of places that I should move to get the ball rolling on the relocation. It goes something like this:

Indianapolis (...maybe like Peyton Manning's team...)

Storrs, CT (Sorry Nick, but don't worry because there are crappy teams for Calhoun to schedule everywhere in the country now)

The Bronx (Calgary sounds about right)

Williamstown, MA (I am sure all of their Jamaica would welcome them)

Los Angeles (Actually, I have nothing against the Clippers. They can stay.)

I would have had the G-Men on here, but I actually found myself happy for them when they won. They reminded me of the early Patriots dynasty. The Patriots aren't really any fun to cheer for now, which is a bizarre feeling. Everybody just expects them to be awesome so there is really only downside. Plus, they are seemingly like bigger assholes by the day as a collective group. This troubles me.

Anywho, hope all is well!

Matt from Seattle
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Matt,

Let me start by saying that given the circumstances I have no problem absorbing blows about UCONN from most people in Seattle. But, since I know you are a fan of the hated Blue Devils, and I know that the recent Sonics news affects you more as a Whalers fan than as a current Seattle resident, I'm going to ask you to please watch this video:


Now, moving on:

Thanks for the e-mail. My thoughts went immediately to you when I heard that the move from Seattle was official. It was a very emotional day for me, as I was reliving all of the emotions from the Whale's departure. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you being right in the thick of it. The flashbacks must be tough to take, and I can only hope that you're not holding a bank full of hostages somewhere with a semi-automatic, wearing nothing but a ski mask and your Andrew Cassels jersey.



But, in all seriousness Matt, I think that you were relocated to Seattle for a reason. You need to help these people get through their grief. You've already suffered through this type of tragedy. Sure, it sucks this time too, but you were not so ignorant and innocent like them. Guys like us, between whom you could always count at least 5 pairs of Whalers apparel even when we got together during the college years, Pete Karmanos stripped us of our innocence long ago. Things have never been the same since. Deep in the back of our minds somewhere we expect this kind of thing now. We know that, as much as we love pro sports, the men in charge are the slimiest, most un-trustworthy, money-grubbing whores out there. They don't give a shit about the fans. The world is not all cupcakes and Hawaiian Punch, you might say.

This is something new for these Supersonics fans. The first step is realizing and understanding that you give so much of yourself (financially and emotionally) to something that can be taken away from you at a moment's notice. The second step is accepting it, and finding yourself back in a place where you can watch and enjoy sports once again. You are a walking success story that they can all emulate. So Matt, I don't think that you are cursed. Instead, I think that you should think of yourself as some type of healer of the soul, so to speak.

Now, with that being said, why don't you steer clear of Boston just to be safe (unless you just want to come and drink for a few days). I think that Foxborough might be the perfect place for you. I've heard that Philadelphia and Dallas are also very nice.


Keep in touch,
The Oracle

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