TO

I'm glad NFL coaches still have some common sense:

"Coaches were asked to name a Pro Bowl-caliber player they wouldn't want on their roster. In a vote that would not have surprised me two years ago, Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens received 14 out of 20 votes."

While ESPN tries to convince you otherwise, the roomofzen will tell you the truth. Terrell Owens is an asshole. Always has been, always will be. Does this really need an explanation? Maybe.

TO is a virus; teams contract him. And while he hasn't infected the Cowboys yet, it's only a matter of time. Hey, isn't his contract year coming up? The virus is multiplying as I type (cue in suspenseful music)....

The TO virus is deadly because it's easy to contract him. His receiving skills are amazing and the guy scores 6 points with consistency. On paper he looks great. But once you've caught the virus, it's very difficult to get rid of him. Unlike an infection you can kill with antibiotics, the virus remains with you until you remove (or trade) the host. What about the symptoms?

The first stage of the TO virus is locker-room unhappiness. You'll notice this symptom spreading very early on. Player get upset that an injury prone receiver who drops multiple balls is allowed to bitch out coaches and team personnel. Players also begin to resent a guy who gets a big portion of the team's salary cap yet complains and whines all the time. Team chemistry begins to decline. The spotlight is always on TO and not on the team. Sickness ensues.

The second stage is public embarrassment for the team and its management. Drew Rosenhaus press conferences. TO "speaking his mind on ESPN." Touchdown celebrations gone awry. You know the drill. It gets ugly...fast. The problem with the TO virus is that the word "team" does not affect its growth. In fact the word makes TO grow into an ugly monster and continue its hideous growth.

The third stage is regret for willingly contracting this disease. This usually occurs during the off-season. The owners sit down and ask themselves, "why the f did we ever sign this guy? how did we convince ourselves that millions of dollars should be spent on this guy?" Coaches' heads may roll, owners may stay upset. Fans rage on talkradio. But TO always comes out on top a few million dollars richer than before. Afterall, some desperate team will always continue catching the TO virus despite his prior victims.

The fourth and final stage is recovery and more wins because everyone is so happy that the parasite is gone. This stage is self-explanatory. Remove the virus, the body survives (as long as the virus hasn't totally destroyed the body). Case closed. Everyone wins. TO is gone.