Mike Tyson's Punch Out

I wrote the following post for a contest back in 2005. I lost. Such is life. However, I enjoyed it and thought the ROOMOFZEN readers would at the very least be brought back to a time in their lives when 8-bit Nintendo still mattered. The premise is analyzing how Mike Tyson would fare against the other characters from his video game, which was excellent. Some ground rules:

1. Cus Damato is dead but Jim Jacobs (manager) is still alive. That's important.
2. Tyson is not involved with Robin Givens yet. This is a good thing.
3. Tyson has not given up his boxing skills in favor of reckless, rage fueled charges.

And now onto the fighters:

1. Glass Joe says, “Make it quick…I want to retire” and “Don’t hit my jaw.” Also he’s 40. Sounds like a guy just out for a paycheck. I see this fight playing out like Michael Spinks in 1988 (91 seconds). And that may be too long.

2. Von Kaiser’s pseudo German intimidation tactics would have little to no effect on Tyson. For example, given that Tyson was in and out of juvenile detention centers throughout his youth, in New York no less, the following threat is almost humorous: “I was a boxing teacher…at the military academy!” Tyson by KO in round one.

3. Piston Honda – As I already established this fight will take place prior to 1990. So even if it is in Tokyo there is no bad mojo from the Buster Douglas fight. I can’t picture Tyson caring about Honda’s eyebrows or putting up with the Piston Rush. Bottom line: Piston is no match for Tyson’s power. Once again, Tyson by KO in round one.

4. Don Flamenco – Anyone who steps in the ring with Iron Mike and says, “People like my hair. Don’t mess with my hair.” is going to be punished. For some reason I see Tyson trying to kill Flamenco. For the sake of Spanish-American relations, Flamenco’s manager has a McNeely like moment and throws in the towel in the second round.

5. King Hippo – He does not have the agility or coordination to hang with Tyson. But I could see the King taking an absolute beating before he goes down. This goes five rounds unless Tyson picks up on jab to the face/repeated punches to the stomach tactic that served as King Hippo’s kryptonite. So in conclusion, this definitely goes five.

6. Great Tiger – If this is a domestic fight there’s a good chance that the tiger flash punch will be outlawed, especially if Don King is promoting Tyson. Therefore, Tiger pushes for an international fight and in a lot of ways proves to be Tyson’s biggest challenge. However, the fact that Tyson is still bobbing and weaving effectively at this point in his career is trouble for the Tiger. Tyson by TKO in seven.

7. Bald Bull probably has a few inches on Mike. It’s important to remember that Tyson originally used his lack of height as an advantage by creating leverage and delivering powerful punches while rising from the crouched position. He’s simply not going to put up with Bald Bull’s crap. TKO for Tyson in round two.

8. Soda Popinski is a loud-mouthed bully. Unfortunately for him the whole “I can’t drive so I’m gonna walk all over you” routine is not going to work against “the baddest man on the planet.” Furthermore, I think it’s safe to assume that Soda will be drunk. Caught up in anti-Soviet sentiment (the wall is still standing) Tyson shows a vicious side and allows this one to go nine rounds just to punish and humiliate Soda. Shades of Muhammad Ali’s treatment of Floyd Patterson.

9. Mr. Sandman is a disciplined, technical boxer. Once again, Tyson still exhibits sound boxing skills at this stage of his career. Therefore, Mike’s head and shoulder movements and great combinations overpower Mr. Sandman. Tyson in eight. As a side note it always bothered me that Mr. Sandman was simply Bald Bull with a different skin color and face. That’s almost as bad as fighting Don Flamenco, Piston Honda, and Bald Bull twice. Is it that hard to make up characters?

10. There are some parallels between Super Macho Man and the post 1990 Tyson. While women, alcohol, and partying side tracked Tyson, Macho Man met a similar fate due to tanning, bodybuilding, and presumably raves. Also Macho Man’s spin punch was the type of wild ring behavior that Tyson exhibited as his career spiraled out of control. Given that Macho Man is from Los Angeles there is some west coast/east coast potential here. Luckily Tyson’s prime did not coincide with the Biggie/Tupac feud. I can picture Tyson killing an opponent just to represent Brooklyn. Regardless, Tyson wins in six.

And if you don’t think Tyson would run roughshod through the characters of his own video game well, “I'm coming for you (insert disbelieving reader’s name). My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!" – Mike Tyson